


Sticks and Stones

by Anna_Rush



Category: Divergent (Movies), Divergent - All Media Types, Divergent Series - Veronica Roth
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, F/M, Implied/Referenced Suicide, No Smut, Panic Attacks, Part 1, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sad, Self-Harm, Trauma, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-16
Updated: 2021-02-16
Packaged: 2021-03-18 23:28:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 30
Words: 39,950
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29498061
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anna_Rush/pseuds/Anna_Rush
Summary: Part 1 in the ‘sticks and stones’ series.Tobais doesn't find the information Tris was looking for at the end of insurgent. They return to their old factions. How do they deal with the aftermath of the war and new threats that present themselves? How can they live with themselves after all that has happened and all they have done?WARNINGContains mentions of suicide, self harm and rape. Please do not read if this will cause discomfort to you or those around you!Characters and the world they reside in are all credited to Veronica Roth.
Relationships: Christina/Uriah Pedrad, Four | Tobias Eaton/Tris Prior/Original Character(s)





	1. Jump

Chapter 1 - The Jump

The gnawing feeling crept up into my mouth, transforming into a laugh as i flew, down towards whatever lay below me. It flew out of my mouth and down into the chasm below, letting the last 8 months soar away from me, echoing through the empty darkness. For a moment i was 16 again. Although it was only a year ago, and though in appearance we are not so much changed, she is an entirely different person. Living in a very different world. For a moment my only worry was initiation, newspaper reports, whether i would fit in, in this new world i had voluntarily leapt into. For a moment i let my self belive that they were still alive, now on the dingy bus, rolling over broken roads, back to the monotonous life they called home. my parents, smiling at each other over dinner, wondering why both of their children left home. Just as the guilt began to creep back into my gut, the way it had exactly a year ago. I hit the net and that naive illusion crumbled around me. The pang in my chest returned as the air was slammed out of me by the black strings of the net. I curled my fingers around and shut my eyes. Letting the feeling of weightlessness drift away from me. Then net was pulled towards an unknown source and i looked into a pair of blue eyes. His eyes, but they didn't seem so familiar anymore. They had changed. Just as i had and though i had once looked into them in search of comfort, now....now they were simply a reminder of everything i had done, lost and how i had been abandoned, not without reason, by everyone i had ever called home.

———-

The factionless took over at the end of the war. Their rule was disorganised and far too idealistic for the war torn city. based on un-equal equality, Evelyn took her troops through the city, claiming each district as she went. She had no plan, or agenda. She only craved power. Perhaps she had always desired it, though i think it may be more to do with Marcus and his treatment of her than of any genetic code. 

It was easy for the rebellion to take over. It took less than a week to topple evelyns regime. Of course, it wasnt our intention to re-estate the factions. It was never my plan, to re-establish that cruel system. I dont think we had a plan, not really. We just knew right from wrong, or some of us did. The battle was a blood bath. Many factionless were killed as well as faction loyalists and civilian deaths were higher than they ever were during the war. Eventually we re-claimed the hub and the old faction leaders took over. I didnt know if it was right, but it was what happened. There was nothing i could do about it. 

My year of initiates were sent back to their original factions, we would be re-assessed as candour and erudite hadn't finished initiation before the war took place. (Which to me seemed like very bad timing i mean, before you attack another faction wouldn't you want your new members trained?). So i spent 8 miserable months stuck in abnegation. In the same house as Caleb. As hard as the war was, going back to 'normal' was incomparable. Everyone moved on. Everyone forgot. But i have no wish to re-live those months.

The choosing ceremony was held earlier this morning, and again, i chose dauntless. Here i was. Back in the inviting arms of hope. Acting as if nothing had changed.

——————-

He reached out towards me. He lifted me from the net and placed me down beside him. His hands lingered on my shoulders but he didn't look at me.

'Hey Tris' he murmured, almost to himself as if he was practising.

'Hey' i replied, meekly. I felt small and weak, as if i was that scrawny abnegation girl again. He turned to face the crowd of dauntless and i wandered to the back wall, tears threatening to fall down my face. He knew most of my secrets. He had seen me, comforted me in the moments when i felt most vulnerable. I had sacrificed myself for him and he had done the same for me. After all that, how could we return to being strangers again?


	2. Heavy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Re-introduction into dauntless and her first interactions with Four.

Uriah jumped next. He let out a shrill scream as he fell. Zeke pulled him out, berating him about not jumping first. After a quick conversation with him, he came running over to me, engulfing me in a hug. It had been months since I'd spoken to him. We weren't allowed to talk to members of different factions, it resulted in extra chores and no doubt double the suvalence. Besides i didnt feel like talking to anyone most of the time.

Uriah had always projected this infectious happiness, and even after the attack on abnegation his pleasant demeanour had seemed relatively unaffected. But now, his eyes didnt seem so bright. I shouldn't have expected the war to leave him without battle scars but i could smell the alchohol on his breath and it hurts to think that he could have felt the same pain as i did. It hurts that he had to resort to a bottle to get rid of that pain. He must have sensed the concern in my eyes as his half smiled morphed into a frown. 

'What's wrong?' He asked

'Nothing' i smiled 'it's just wierd to bee back'

'But a good wierd?'

'Yeah' i sighed 'good wierd' 

——

Christina came about half way through, again joining us with a hug. An actual smile spread across my face and for the first time in 8 months i genuinely felt happy. 

There was around twice as many initiates gathered in the cavern as there were last year. That was to be expected but it still made my stomach wish into a bundle of nerves. Four and Lauren stepped to the raised platform opposite us. Their presence alone caused quiet to spread throughout the large crowd. Lauren took the Dauntless borns to their dorm while Four took us on another tour of the dauntless compound. 

Even though it had been many months since I'd been in the compound, i remembered the way around perfectly. My head filled with heavy nostalgia as i yearned to return to that simpler time one year ago. We passed the dining hall, pit, and pyre. We passed the ledge that Al had jumped from and four gave the same warning he had the previous year. He looked me straight in the eye as he said 'one dare devil jump from here, and you'll be dead'. It made a shiver run down my spine, my skin crawl. Did he know? 

I grabbed my wrist, rubbing the corse material of my abnegation slacks against the tender skin and scars beneath. I breathed a little easier. We continued the tour, me and Four desperately trying to not make eye contact. When we finally got to the transfer dorm we were informed that there weren't enough bunks for all of us, so some would have to sleep on a pad on the floor. Christina had grabbed a bunk near the back wall, so i dragged one of the mats and placed it against the wall next to her. Its not like ill sleep well on a bed anyway, so i may as well take the floor. Christina rolled her eyes at me

'You're such a stiff, you know that?' She quipped

I simply stuck my tongue out and narrowed my eyes. We were provided the same unisex clothing as last year, we had an hour until we had to be in the hall for dinner, so christina somehow managed to drag me down to the clothing shops in the pit. 

She forced me into tight trousers and revealing shirts as well as a few dresses, though i wasnt sure why I'd need them. She also insisted on doing my makeup.

'You have to look intimidating to the other initiates!' She insisted.

'Yeah because 5' , skinny abnegation just screams I'm about to rip your head off'

'Exactly. Now let me do your eyeliner'

We spent the next half an hour doing everyone's makeup who dared to step into the bathroom. I apologised on Christina's behalf, but most seemed glad of the attention. Once we were alone Christina began to question me about Four.

'So, how are you feeling about...you know four?'

'It's wierd' i sighed 'I dont know. Everything just feels so the same. But everything has changed and it's just too confusing. I miss him. But I'm not me anymore, I've changed and he's changed and i just' i pause, letting my emotions take flight 'but there's nothing i can do about it. It will be fine? Right?'

I ask tentatively.

'Yes. It'll be fine. Especially if you wear one of the dresses you bought and show him what he's missing.'

I laughed at her statement, rolling my eyes but agreeing to it. It was odd. I had never been one to be particularly girly and dress up but after 8 months in abnegation i was ready to do everything i had missed out on. As i slipped on the black dress i remembered what Marlene had said all that time ago. 

'Who cares if you flash them, as long as your're beating the heck out of them too?'

It made me smile, if only for a moment. 

We eventually made our way down to dinner, almost late might i add, due to Christina's touch ups. We quickly spotted Uriah, who ushered us over. He was sitting with Zeke and a few of his friends. We dropped our food down either side of him. I watched the bustle of people around me. I had become unaccustomed to the loud dinner's of the Dauntless. It was still second nature to sit in silence around the dinner table, though of course once i had returned to abnegation i was technically allowed to talk, i had no intention of making conversation with Caleb. 

I snapped out of my trance as i noticed someone sit opposite me. I looked up to find Four staring straight at his tray, seemingly occupied by his plate of plain chicken and rice. I looked at him for a second. Though he was only a matter of feet away, i had never felt so far from him. I had thought about our parting a lot throughout my time in abnegation. I knew that i had done wrong - but i didnt mean to. I meant well. I only talked to Marcus in order to get the information of the Erudite computer. I had played and replayed every single word and every single action leading up to our...i dont want to say break up. It sounds too cliche. It sounds as if our relationship didnt mean much, when in fact by the end he was the only thing keeping me tethered, whole. Maybe if I'd been more honest, but i cant change it now. 

I felt a hand on my knee, Uriah's. It wasnt there in a i want to hook up kind of a way that id often heard christina and other cantdor girls gossiping about in the lunch hall back at school, but in an i want you to know that i understand kind of a way. He retracted it quickly and i shone him a small smile.

I didnt talk much through the meal, just quick remarks on what had happened over the last 8 months.

————

i woke up drenched in cold sweat. My heart beat quickly as i searched the dark dorm for anyone i had awoken with my nightmare, luckily it looked as if i hadn't been making noise and all the transfers kept on sleeping. I sat at the edge of my mat, head on my knees, my hands blocking the world from my mind. I had warmed up since my first nightmare and the dorm suddenly felt stifling. 

I made my way outside and sat on the cold concrete outside the dormitory, in a small ball. Emotions ran through my head in an endless cycle, quickening my breath as i took handfuls of hair in my hands and pulled. But it wouldn't subside. Everything was too similar. The dorms were the same. The hall, the pit, the people everything! It was as if everyone had forgot that there had been a war. It was as if i was the only one who remembered the bodies piled up against buildings. everything was the same yet so, so different. 

My parents were gone. Now they may as well have been a figment of my imagination. I lost everything. I lost everyone that i had ever dared to love. I had lost the person i was. The person i was before the killing and the nightmares and the lies. 

My fingernails dug deeper into my scalp and i let out a strangled breath. Like an animal it tore form my throat, tight and strong and painful. It extracted tears in its wake. I took great gasping breaths, but it wasnt enough, it was never enough. No amount of oxygen can bring back everything i lost. I broke though the skin of my scalp and it was as if the tension in my body was released. It hissed out like the carbon dioxide in a bottle of soda, fizzing and bubbling over and settling. I took shorter breaths, deeper. I counted in my head. 123, 12, 1234. 123, 12, 1234. 123, 12, 1234. In and out and in and out until everything stopped....stopped. 

Had i not been in such a sate i might have heard the footsteps approaching me. I looked up just as he called my name.

'Tris?'

My eyes met his, deep blue and dark grey colliding just as they had all tha time ago. I wiped my eyes, straightening my hair, that i realised was damp with mingled blood and sweat.

'Are you ok?' He asked, approaching me slowly, as if i would break at any moment or pounce on him. He saw me as an animal. Uncontrollable.

'Yeah I'm fine. Just nightmares. I'm sure you get them too' i replied, keeping my eyes focused on the florescent light just to the right of his head. It shrouded his silhouette in a white mist, accented by the darkness of small corridors. 

'Yeah' he muttered looking at his feet. 'Yeah i do'

He stood there and i sat there in silence. It was awkward and cold. I shut my eyes and let new tears fall, safe and secure in my blanket of darkness. But for a different reason. This cold atmosphere that now surrounded him was unfamiliar to me. I was. Used to the warm embrace of his arms, his lips on my temple, even the feel of his eyes on mine flooded me with a warm flush. 

'Well...get to bed soon then. Long day tomorrow' he said before turning and walking away.

——-

As i lay on my mat on the floor i thought of him. I didnt hate him, i maybe should have. From what i had heard form the cantor girls about their ex's, you were supposed do despise them. Hate them. But i couldnt hate him. I hadn't been honest and i had lied. I couldn't, in the end, blame him for leaving me. After everything he had gone through, his father, his mother and that is what i did to him! I turned to face the wall, pressing the cool concrete against my shins. But it was ok. I ran my fingers across the pink lines on my arms. It was ok, because i had paid for all my wrong doings.

I just hoped, that. After all this time, he didn't hate me. I think i could stands everything else but that. And even though i had promised myself that i didn't hate him, blame him, for doing what he did. Any rational person would have done it. But as i drifted off, to face another nightmare, the lingering tears of betrayal still stung behind my eyes


	3. Guns and Roses

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I mean in what world was gun training going to go smoothly???

I woke late. I wasn't surprised. The gift of ever present nightmares form the war had left me with a nagging tiredness constantly behind my eyes. However, i was worried about being late to my first day of training. I knew that Four wouldn't be happy if i turned up five minutes after everyone else.

Chris had brought me a muffin from breakfast, so i hurriedly ate it as we ran through the dark halls to the training centre.

The transfers were milling about, some stretching, talking, lying on the gym mats trying to catch up on some extra sleep. We came in just as tobias began to talk. He yee us as we walked quickly towards the group now circled around him.

'Today, as you can see, we will be completing gun training. Initiates form last year may watch my demonstration or begin immediately' Tobias said, his hands folded behind his back. He was clearly as tired as I was 'everyone else follow me'

Christina and i went to the table of guns, we had chosen to start immediately. I felt that after months of warfare i didnt need a refresher in how to brutally murder.

The gun felt heavy, familiar, but without that glimmer of strength i had felt the year before. When i first held a gun i had felt strong, for the first time in my life. This collection of lethal cogs and gears gave my hands purpose and finally a reason for people to see as more than the skinny girl form abnegation. But now, now i felt weak. My legs were trembling and my head was light. All I could think about was the life draining from Will's eyes, the dauntless gaurd's and how i couldn't remember the number of people i had killed. It had been second nature, i hadn't even had to think. How was it possible, that i could be so...disgustingly dauntless?

Christina jolted me out of my train of thought, concern in her eyes.

'You okay?'

'Yeah I'm fine' i shook my head, clearing my mind of the whirlwind of thoughts spiralling through it.

We went over to the targets where Peter already stood. He hadn't talked to us so far, he seemed to have joined onto a group of 16 year olds form candor. They all seemed as headstrong and brutish as he was, so they suited him well. 

I raised the gun to my eye, arms straight, legs apart, just as four had taught me. Just as i opal Ed my finger on the trigger i heard a bang, form Four demonstrating to the other initiates. Suddenly all i could see was my mother, falling as she took bullets so that i could run for my life. I saw will lying on the pavement, blood seeping from the hole in his head. He had been alive, breathing, laughing not more than 12 hours before and then, nothing. My head span. Then my father fell, red blood pouring form his wounds, urine spread around him as his muscles relaxed into the arms of death. He looked, undignified, weak, lifeless. Somehow i then saw all 3 of them layered over each other as we learnt how to do in the IT lessons in school. Then soldiers came at me, running guns aimed. I shot. Again. Again. Again. Over and over until the canister was empty. Then everything went black. 


	4. Weak

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> !TRIGGER WARNING! PLEASE READ INFORMATION BELOW
> 
> (Hi, this part of my story mentions suicide as well as self harm. I do not describe anything in vivid detail. I do not take either of these issues lightly in anyway. If you think i am dealing with it distastefully then please contact me immediately and i will change or take this aspect out of the story line entirely. If you are dealing with these kind of thoughts please, if under 18 and in the UK contact child line at 08001111 or anyone can contact Samaritans at 116123.

The flourescent lights burned my eyes. My head spun and blood pounded through it, making the pain throb in painful contractions. I heard a high pitched scream as my eyes opened wider.

'Tris! You're awake!' I saw Christina standing over me, holding my hand. I laugh lightly, feeling woozy from whatever they have in the IV going into my hand. Then i heard another voice, Uriah's, call over a nurse. She checked my stats, heart rat, temperature, blood pressure e.c.t. My blood pressure was still too high, so i was told i had to stay in overnight and because of my history of depression and anxiety they wanted to keep me for a physiological examination. Apparently i had had a panic attack, but i didn't remember much of it. After Christina and Uriah left to go to dinner i let my head fall back on the pillow and let out a huge sigh.

I hadn't had a panic attack in months, i though i was getting better, apparently i was wrong. However, my overactive mind was still quick to reassure me that it was probably form the move back to dauntless, the huge change had caused me to relapse? I would get better soon? Silent tears extracted themselves form my eyes, rolling down my cheeks and carving hot tracks into my skin. I had been telling myself that for a year. You're parents just died, you'll get better soon. The rebellion was stressful you'll get better soon. The move back to abnegation was haunting, you'll get better soon. The dull monotonony of life is getting to you, you'll get better soon. I needed to face the facts. I was broken. That was it and that was all. I had given too much, and taken too many to not be. This was just the way i was going to have to be. I had run out of hope. I felt empty. There was no other way to describe it.

We used to read poetry and prose, back in school, about gut wrenching sadness. It was romantic. It was...beautiful somehow. They could use the metaphors of dyeing trees to analyse their mind and pick apart every simple thought until they had it laid out before them on an A4 sheet. That wouldn't work for me. How can you describe your feelings when you can't remember how to feel?

—————

I awoke to a strange precense next to my hospital bed. I looked up, through the darkness of the hospital ward to see a tall figure. I could have recognised it anywhere, it was Tobais. 

'Tobais?' I murmered, momentarily forgetting that that name wasnt mine to call him anymore. With a slight flinch he nodded.

'How are you doing?' He asked, tentatively, sitting on the plastic chair by my bed. 

'Yeah' i said, shaking my head slightly in a feeble attempt to wake myself up 'yeah I'm ok'

'What happened?' 

There were afew moments of silence before i could respond 'you don't have to tell me, i was just...curious'

'No, its fine' i assure him. Since my last waking moments i had re-gained my memory of the incident. 'Flashbacks, from the gun shots. I hadn't heard them in a while and i suppose, i wasnt prepared?' I stared at my hands 'i think coming back was more stressful than i thought it would be. I'm sorry if i caused too much commotion and disrupted the training' 

'Don't worry about it' he said, placing one of his large ands over mine, to stop them from pinching and scratching the skin around my fingers. I stared at his hand for a minute before removing my hand from underneath his in a slow, un graceful movement. He immediately leaned back, embarrassed.

'I guess i'll fail gun training then? Is there a chance i can retake it. I need practice' i ramble, trying to dispel the awkwardness form the small room.

'No need' he chuckled, taking out a sheet of paper form his jacket pocket. It was one of the paper targets used on the shooting range, to show proof that you had completed gun training. In the top corner was my name, printed in Tobais's neat writing. Below, in the bullseye was one hole. 

'I dont understand, i only shot once? I have to get it in 10 times.'

He laughed again.

'You did, you used the entire canister of bullets, there's 10. You hit the same spot every time, you outshone every other one of the initiates, without even trying'

My face straightened. 

'I was trying' i said defiantly, looking him straight in the eye 'Trying to kill will again'

His face immediately broke form its pleasant grin into a thin frown. 

'Sorry, i didnt mean..'

'I know. Sometimes I just...i wonder...if it wouldn't, wouldn't have been better if id just let him kill me? Or the dauntless gaurds, or any of the countless people i killed?'

'I know. But you did it becuase you had to remember!'

His yes flickered to my wrist, and he saw the gold bracelet. A look of realisation came over his face, then doubt and fear. Finally all i could see was pain. It was the same look in his eyes as he broke up with me in Erudite. The same look on his face as he beat his father with his own belt. His eyes, seemed to blur, the sea of blue storming, threatening to overflow the confines of their banks.

He didnt want to cry in front of me. 

'Uh goodbye tris, get well soon' he said hurriedly as he left.

———————-

5 months ago i had attempted suicide. I was tired, haunted by the ghosts of my parents and by those who i had murdered. Caleb was out, volunteering or with Susan or...something. I went to the medicine cabinet and...but i dont wish to get into the details. 

It was hard to describe why i did it. I dont think i wanted death. I just didnt to live anymore and that was the only way out I could see with this tunnel vision. I had been self harming for months, since i arrived back in abnegation. It was a way to rid myself of the guilt and pain, a realise of endorphins into my system. A physical sign of how mentally damaged i really was. But it didnt work anymore. I had done it too much or perhaps i was just too broken.

It was long and painful and i lay on the floor for hours before Caleb came back and found me. He let out an inhuman scream,as if he hadn't already killed me. 

The next thing i knew i was hooked up to wires and machines in the Erudite hospital. It was hushed up, of course. Suicide, was selfish. Though, now that I've been in that head space I'm less sure that it is. I considered myself a burden, a weight that others would have to carry for the rest of my life. Someone no one wanted, an outcast, that the world would be better off without me. 

They attached a tracking device to me, the gold bracelet and i resigned myself to a life of supervision. I wasnt alllowed to be alone much, not allowed to leave the abnegation compound alone. I thought it was ironic that the Erudite were trying to save me after weeks of torturing me. 

I assumed that the trainers (Lauren and Tobais) had been informed of there being a suicide risk within this year's set of initiates, just not that it was me. I let out a sigh, leaning my head against the hard pillows. I let my mind go blank, aided, no doubt by the morphine and whatever physc meds they had me on. I let my eyes drift closed, and pull me into a deep sleep.


	5. Hate is a Strong Word

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So this is from Tobias’ PoV and is really short, but I just wanted to add some things from his point of view, how’ve brief, to give you a fuller experience of the story!

My ears ring. As i shut my eyes all i can see is the line of gold that lay on her delicate wrist, laced with neat scars. I sigh, knowing that I wont get much sleep tonight. The apartment is cool, with the early summer breeze flowing in. My skin breaks out in goose bumps as i lie, motionless on the bed, hyper aware of my surroundings. I am so used, even now, to the constant fear of having your abuser potentially come in at any moment that I'm never truly relaxed. I'm always alert, looking out for danger. Of course, the war didnt help matters, especially as i had to watch Tris's back as well as my own. 

I mentally curse at myself. After all this time i should be able to sleep without worrying. The mindset from that time in my life still lingers, constant abuse, from both myself and my father. There was no way to escape it, it was always there. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate the way i think and how i act, and how i seem to fall to pieces at even the mention of her name. Perhaps...maybe this is hows he talks to her self too, a seemingly never ending stream of curse words and criticism and self inflicted abuse. Invisible scars coat my brain. Physical ones, I'm sure, coat hers.

I had no idea she was struggling this much. Lauren and I had been informed that one of the initiates was a suicide risk, but never did i even dare to think it would be her. How could she think that, how could she be so, so....herself. She blamed herself, for the entire war i suppose. 

My eyes begin to sting again and turn over, letting the cold sheets on the other side of my bed cool my warm chest. I just hoped that she didnt think i blamed her. It wasnt her fault, not wholly. I should have trusted her more. I shouldn't have been so harsh on her that day. I shouldn't....there were a million things that, if i went back, i wouldn't have done, shouldn't have done. A dull ache spreads though my rip cage, an all consuming, shaking fear. Could it be my fault? With that thought swirling around in my sleep deprived mind, i get up. 

I head out of my apartment and down to the trining room. I have to clear my head.


	6. Suffering Together, Alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tris’ PoV  
> Just to clarify, Tris may see suicide, or attempted suicide as weak given her upbringing in Abnegation. I do not feel this way, I just want to portray her thoughts and feelings as accurately as possible. If you are dealing with thoughts like that you are not weak in any way and need t seek help. Enjoy the chapter!

My head still ached as i sat up the next morning. While the pain was definitely lower, the throbbing still continued and seemed to be persisting. I didn't wait for a nurse to come and discharge me, I'd been through worse, it was only a panic attack. Besides, i didn't want any of the initiates thinking that i was weaker or more delusional than they already thought i was. So thats why i turned up to breakfast at 7, where Christina and Uriah were very surprised to see me.

'I thought you were still in the hospital wing?' Christina said cautiously. It annoyed me how people took such precautions around me, as if i would break out into some kind of animal at any moment. But i pushed these feelings aside as i answered her.

'I'm probably meant to be, but i didn't want to miss out on training' i stated simply. Just as Four was about to but in with a, ' you could have caught up e.c.t i added 'and i was getting bored' just to appease him. I didn't eat much, though not through lack of trying on Christinas part. 

——————————

As i entered the training room i could see the large wooden targets, lined up against the back wall. Today we would be doing,

'Knife Training' Tobais interrupted my train of thought, dragging my eyes away from the large display of targets and knives and my legs back to the group which was huddled around him. He again offered for the initiates from last year (i.e. Christina, peter and i) to begin without watching the demo. As i walked to the table of knives with Christina he coughed, gaining our attention.

'Tris are you sure thats a good idea?' He asked, which was more of a don't do it command that a question. I tuned red, i could feel my face heating up as all the transfers stared at me, some of them sniggering behind their hands. Again, someone treating me as if i would break at the smallest thing. I was pretty sure i was mentally capable to throw knives. I Just rolled my eyes and turned around walking back over to the table of knives. However he persisted, much to my annoyance.

'Tris?' He said, clearly exasperated.

'Don't worry' i said, picking up knives, my back turned to him 'il try not to have a flashback of you and my brother throwing knives at cheese, I'll try to fight through that traumatic memory' i tuned to face him, raising my eyebrow, daring him to push me further. 

'It's not that' he said rolling is eyes, 'I'm just not sure you should be trusted with weapons yet'

I stand open mouthed, stunned at his lack of trust. Stunned at how he could call me out in front of everyone. I was momentarily scared that he would bring up the bracelet i wore, a sign of shame*, as a reason to stop me from training. As soon as he sees my expression he back steps,

'Because of the incident yesterday not...not that'

I breathe a sigh of relief, glad he wasn't going to bring up my personal history in front of the entire room. Not that his statement doesn't infuriate me. 

'Ok. Ah so you're scared I'm going to break the knives by hitting the exact same spot each time?'

'Not about that'

'Then what. Ah' i say, as if I've had an epiphany 'you're scared that I'm going to outshine all the other initiates with my aim?'

He scoffs, turning around. The entire room has gone quiet by this point. I've never heard anyone talk to Four the way i currently am, and I'm pretty sure he wouldn't let anyone else talk to him and the entire training room has turned to watch.

'Your words not mine' i say, turning towards the targets preparing to aim. 

'Tris stop!' He shouts across the room and i turn, laughing.

'So you are scared?'

'I'm not scared' 

'Ok then you shouldn't mind if i just throw these knives?'

I throw then, each hitting the centre so that they form a perfect triangle of blades.

'See, scary. If you really wanted to show you're not scared you could, i don't know? Stand in front of the Targets while i throw them?'

He laughs, 'no, I'm not doing that'

'Ok, suit yourself' i say, turning around in order to face the wooden boards. Just as i hear chatter begin to rise again i turn, aim and throw the knives towards Tobais , they hit the wall directly behind him. One hits his ear, slitting slightly, jut as he did to my ear. He stands there stunned. Some scattered claps And gasps ring out through the room as i look him directly in the eyes.

'You decide if there's something to be scared of'

—————

I spent the rest of the session helping Christina with her technique. By the end she could hit all 3 knives straight in the centre. In the middle a girl came up to us.

'Hey' she said, timidly.

'Hi' christin greeted enthusiastically 'need some help?'

She nodded, a relived grin on her face 'lots, I'm kinda scared of four and dont want to ask him for help '

I watch him prowling around the targets, changing initiates stances, growling instructions for better aim. I couldn't blame her for being a little frightened, he could snap her in half, I'm sure if he really wanted to. 

'There's nothing to be scared of' i told her 'he looks scary but he's not, trust me'

She just rolled her eyes 'whatever you say'. We then spent some time helping her throw and with her aim. We focused on where the knife hit, rather than if it stuck. By the end of the session she was pretty good. 

We learned more about her as we trained. Her name was Olive and she was from Amity originally, though when she arrived she changed her name to oli, just to drop the connections to produce and therefore Amity. She was very sweet and she didn't seemed to have made any friends yet, so we spent the day with her. We ate lunch with her, Christina forced her to go to the clothing stalls to buy some clothes, which i thought was stupid but my opinion 'didn't matter'.

————————-

We returned to the gym after our lunch break in order to continue knife throwing. I helped some of the other initiates who seemed shut as scared of me as they did of Tobais, despite my small stature and the clear lack of knives in my hands. I had to remind a few of them once or twice that i wasn't about to throw knives at their ears. 

After the afternoon session Tobais confronted me.

'What the hell was that tris?' He questioned.

'You were asking for it' i retorted.

He rolled his eyes, stepping away, 'i was just concerned for you, I was trying to protect you!'

'Protect me?! Are you kidding, making me look like a lunatic in front of everyone? Making me look weaker than i already am'

'You're not weak, everyone knows that'

'They did! I dont know what they think now' i sighed turning away from him and hanging my head. I had no idea what the initiates thought. It could make me a target. I didn't want anything else from last year to repeat itself. I didn't want to be seen as the small weak abnegation girl, out of her mind with memories of the war.

'I didn't mean to...i was worried about you i...i didnt want you to, you know' He said eventually, seeming to have calmed down some.

'Cut?' I asked. No emotion in my tone. He nodded meekly and sat on top of one of the square speakers at the back of the hall where we were previously stood. I came to stand close to him, almost touching his knees.

'I..I'm not about to do that in front of everyone, dont worry'

'It's not that' he sighed 'what if you'd taken a knife with you and...and you did something' i could see a stream of tears building up in his eyes, making my own prickle. I had only seen him cry once before, when i threatened to turn myself into erudite, which i eventually did. I would never have realised how much my state of mind would have affected him. How could I have thought that it wouldn't affect him, how could i not have kept it better hidden? 

'I sorry. I didn't realise...i say,' emotion building up at the back of my throat. Shivering starts, small tremors ripple throughout my legs and arms and i know its only a matter of time before i begin to cry as well. 'I wouldn't take a knife i promise, I'm not going to...' and i break, sobs wracking my body. All the pain and discomfort i had experienced since being back was released from me. He just sat there looking up into my eyes as i cried in front of him. Eventually he wrapped his arms around me, not saying a word. I could feel his hot tears on my shirt. 'I'll don't..' I try to say 'I dont do that anymore. I stoped' i trusted he knew what i was talking about. From the stop of the heavy tears on the back of my shirt i knew he did. He hugged me tighter, squeezing my shoulders and pushing his nose against my neck. From that action alone it told me everything i needed to know, more than words ever could.

He didnt hate me, he never had. He did what he had to do to protect himself. He was angry. He knew that i did what i had to do in the war. He knew that i never meant to hurt him. I knew that he didn't want to hurt me and that every moment he regretted it. We both knew that we did our best and it didn't work out. It didn't mean that we stopped caring, or stopped loving the other. It just meant that we couldn't be together and that that was a pain we would have to face, each alone. I reciprocated the action, pressing my arms against his back and leaning into his embrace. A fresh fire ignited behind me eyes and i let the tears fall down my face and onto his shirt. 


	7. Unwelcome affection

"Today we train for fighting"

Four's voice boomed throughout the training hall, echoing in the sparsely furnished space. Timid whispers began to flow through the small crowd of initiates. He refused to look me in the eye, instead glaring at new transfers to get them to stop talking.

Our meeting last night had been bittersweet. I still had no better idea of where we stood, only that we were both still fighting the memories of our past. We had stayed there a while, wrapped in each other's arms, i couldn't tell you how long. I ached for the feel of them around me again, to feel, less broken, as if his embrace would somehow collect all the broken parts of me and fuse them back together, but i knew it was naive to think that he would forgive me for what i had put him through.

Once he had finished the demonstration we all went to practice technique, some sparring with others, while some practiced on the punching bags. Just as me and Christina finished a round of fighting a boy come over to us. 

He was tall, 6'1 or 6'2, he had waves of golden hair and huge blue eyes. He was from Erudite, i think. I recognised him from dinner a few nights ago, he had been sitting on the table adjacent laughing loudly with some of the fellow initiates, we had made eye contact for one, very awkward, moment before he looked away. 

"Nice display yesterday" he said to me. He held himself with a reserved kind of confidence, which i respected. It wasn't as egoistic or arrogant as the way Peter acted, however was not quite as silent as Four's commanding atmosphere. Though, i didn't exactly appreciate what he had to say. 

"I dont know what you mean" i said, turning back to christina who, rather unhelpfully decided to aid the boy in his quest to talk to me.

"C'mon tris, you dont have to be standoffish with everyone you know! You proved your point that you could slice someone's ear off yesterday, if someone's actually brave enough to risk their hearing to come and talk to you, you may as well give them a chance. Don't you think?" She said, with a smug smile on her face that didn't suit her.

'Fine. Yes, well i didn't want everyone thinking i was about to have another seizure' i said to him, turning, though it aggravated me that i had to look up in order to talk to him. Though i should be used to it by now.

" think everyone was more worried about you hurling knives at them than having a seizure" he laughed, and i did to, much to my surprise. 

"Maybe you're right"

"Of course i am" he said with a cocky grin, to which i rolled my eyes at "anyway I'm Jonah, it's nice to meet you Tris Prior" he said, holding out his hand.

I shook it "i wish i actually had to introduce myself. Its weird that everyone knows my name now"

"Sorry" he said, a hint of a flush tinting his cheeks. By this time Christina had wandered off and we were left standing by the ring alone. 

"It's fine, its not your fault"

"But anyway, i came over to ask you if you might give me some tips on fighting, maybe spar with me?"

"Why dont you ask four?" I questioned, thinking it odd that he would have come to me first.

"Well i would do, if he wasn't in such a bad mood, and uh well, he seems to be glaring at me now, which i don't think is a very good thing. And after everything i have heard about you as well as that surprisingly accurate knife throwing yesterday, I thought that you would be a more than competent substitue."

i furrowed my brow, turning away from his lean frame to see Tobais, aournd 200 metres away, staring right at us. His eyes were dark and stormy, his his face fixed in a frown. I rolled my eyes.

"Yeah, well, don't let him hear you say that or you really will get your ear sliced off. Just ignore him when he's in a bad mood, he was nicer last year, kind of, and well now..." i tailed off but he was still standing in front of me, expecting me to finish. "He's dealing with some stuff"

"What stuff?" Jonah inquired

"It doesn't matter. So you want tips"

"Yeah, that would be good" he laughed, "can't fail every aspect of training"

"Uhh ok, spar with me first, hen i can see what you need to improve upon" he nodded warily, clearly still hesitant because of Four's hard stare. 

We stepped over the rope of the ring, standing on opposite sides. I raised my hands in a protective position and he mirrored me, though i could already see holes in his defence. Kinks in his armour in which i could strike. He was protecting his face, rather than his stomach and ribs so i struck, quickly, again and then to the face. Before he had a chance to think and strike back, i had moved back to my side of the ring. He looked at me, clearly stunned. I simply raised my eyebrows and regained my protective stance.

"You've got to protect your face" i told him. I walked over and adjusted his arms until they were positioned properly.

"Ok, like this?" He said letting his arms fall and repositioning them to practice the position. 

I nodded, smiling. We began to spar again, me mostly getting hits in, to show him where the errors in his method were. He hit me a few times, though not particularly hard, not in very effective places, we were sparring rather than in a real fight so we took it easy on the blows. By the end of the morning session we had worked up a heavy layer of sweat and grime. We walked together to the sink, to wash our hands and arms, so that we felt a little less grotty for lunch.

————

We (Christina, Uriah, Jonah and i) sat together at dinner later, discussing training and the rest of initiation.

"I'm gonna win this year, tris" Uriah boasted "just you watch me". Christina hit him in the stomach as he lay back in mock pride and he doubles over, wheezing. "Hey!" He cried.

"Well you'll need better reflexes than that if you are going to win. Sorry to say it Uriah but my money's still on tris"

'Mine too' piped in Jonah as he laid his hand on my knee. It wasnt an overtly sexual action, perhaps normal in Erudite? However, it still made my spine turn to iron, straightening in discomfort. "She cut Four's ear with a knife yesterday and after her fighting today, i dont think there's anyone else that could beat her" he squeezed my knee slightly as he complimented me. I forced a smile, letting out a relived breath as he removed his hand. I didnt belive that Jonah was trying to make me uncomfortable, he was just unfamiliar with my dislike of personal affection, at least between two people who didn't know each other well. Right?

"Wait? What!" Said Uriah, as he began to eat his slice of cake. 'She cut Four's ear?'

"Oh yeah i forgot to tell you!" Gushed Christina "so we were in knife trianing and Four was like, tris you can't do it,"

"He didnt say that" i interrupted "he just said that i might want to be careful and not use the knives yet"

"Well, yeah-but she ended up shouting at him and they had a bit of an argument about the knives and her accuracy and her mental stability and then she threw the knives at him and one cut his ear"

Uriah sat there shaking his head "well, I'm sure you're the only person Four would ever let shout at him"

'It's not like that' i denied

'Uh huh' 

"Wait," Jonah questioned, clearly confused "why would he only let you shout at him, is it some abnegation thing?"

"No" i said. "I assumed everyone knew" i looked to my right, to see christina who had looked away, concentrating on her meal.

"We dated, during the war."

"Oh yeah" Jonah said shaking his head "well that explains a lot"

"Explains what?" I said indignantly "he doesn't treat me any differently to anyone else!"

"Yes he does" said Christina calmly "just look out for the signs. Once you see it you'll know. Like when you had the panic attack, he raced over and took you to the nurse's station himself, and you know tha he wouldn't do that for anyone else"

"Yeah well..." i tried to defend myself, but was clearly failing miserably.

"He's still got it bad for you" christina teased. I shook my head, turning my attention instead to my meal, ignoring Jonah's stare on the back of my neck and Tobais's voice, that i could hear from across the room.


	8. Missing Pieces

We carried on with physical training the next day, fighting in the morning and in the afternoon focussing on fitness and strength. I noticed how my muscles ached after a long day of exercise, burning as if they had been drenched in acid, which i suppose was true. I didn't get a chance to work on fitness within Abnegation, it was seen as selfish, though being able to fight in the war didnt feel so selfish, being able to defend yourself and not depend on others for protection is not selfish, but I'm sure Marcus and the other abnegation leaders wouldn't care about my opinion. Can't be deemed as selfless, from one angle or another? You just have to change your approach to it, yet anouther flaw in the faction system. I used towonder if it would have been better under Evelyn, where you weren't defined be your faction, it didnt make you who you are. 

But i knew that though everyone would have been equal, they wouldn't have been free. At least you got to choose your faction. Under Evelyn there were curfews and compulsory jobs and a way that you had to belive, a way that you had to think. That's not free. I didn't think i was free then. That, Dauntless, my life , was not what i fought for. I fought for something new. A place where i could be who i wanted, with who i wanted. A place that was fair. I was fighting so that children now wouldn't have to grow up knowing that they could be who they are, or desert their families forever. Where love is love and blood is blood and you can be whoever you need to be, as long as you're good.

——————-

Christina walked up to me in the dorm, where i sat on my mat, massaging my calf muscles so that they might not ache so much tomorrow. 

"Did you hear about Jeanine?" She asked casually, which I thought was odd given her caution towards me during the last week. As she mentioned her name i tensed, the massage becoming useless. Her name still brought a sheen of sweat to my brow and a tremor to my hands, i saw it as a sign of weakness. She would be delighted to know that even her name brought me fear, turning me into a trembling mess and i hated it. I shook my head, clearing the thoughts away for later. I would dwell on them tonight, now i had more important things to do.

"No? Has she been let out?" I asked, a clear slither of panic in my voice.

"No! Oh god no! They wouldn't do that. She's going on trial, did you not see it in the paper?" Christina said, she had regained her cautious persona, quick o reassure me that y torturer was still safety imprisoned.

"Oh" i sighed in relief "no, i havent read it. It depresses me and i mean, what really happens that's going to surprise me anymore?" I joked, hoping to lift the mood. Christina forced a laugh and we were reduced to an uncomfortable silence. It weighed on my shoulders as I went back to massaging my calf's and she picked the dirt form underneath her nails. We stayed like that for almost five minutes. The heavy silence flowed between us, catching us off guard. It had never felt forced with Christina, always easy. Easy conversation. I stared at her and even though there were 2 metres, at most, between us it could have been miles, light years of distance. She felt far away, as if i could no longer access the wave length we used to be on. As if she was gone.

I felt her eyes on me. Watching me work the knots out of my muscles from the corner of her eye. I saw her look back at her nails and heave a gentle sigh.

"Want to go to dinner?" I asked, my voice wobbling as i said it, as if I was about to cry "I'm starving!" 

"Me too" she smiled and she held out her hand. We managed a little small talk on the way to dinner, chatting about invitation and the boys she like the look of. Once we were at the dining hall Uriah waved us over, and conversation was easier. I assumed, hoped really, that it was due to tiredness that christina and i felt...disconnected. 

I drifted off during dinner, the loud roar of the dining hall reminding me of the year before. I remembered the day my mother came, on visiting day. I replayed it over and over in my head. I recalled my old life, the way my mind used to work, and how i used to think and how so much has changed in one year.

My eyelids felt heavy, dragging themselves down by their own weight as i rested my head on my hand. 

—————-

I was jerked out of my train of thought by Tobais. The room was almost deserted and my head is lay on my tray. He stood next to beside me, a hand on my shoulder. 

"Oh..thanks" i muttered, rubbing sleep form my eyes and waking myself up for the trek back to the dorms. I began to walk away but he grabs my arm, right over my scars, i shudder, momentarily before turning to face him. 

"I have to speak to you about something" he says, a concerned, serious look in his eyes. The blue waves churning in his eyes, almost gray, as if preparing for an incoming storm. 

"About what" i questioned

"We can't talk here. Come to my apartment?" He asked, not quite looking me in the eye.

"Ok" i agreed warily, not sure what was about to happen. He grabbed my hand and led me down the familiar corridors to his flat. He opened the door for me, looking up and down the empty hallway before shutting it behind him.

His apartment looked the same as last year. The 'fear god alone' mural glistened on the wall. I shuddered, thinking about the last time i had set foot in here. I had lied to him. He had trusted me and i had thrown it at the wall, stamping all over it as i left for erudite. I tried to stop the oncoming flow of thoughts as i turned around to face Tobais. 

"What did you want to speak about?" I asked and he walked over to his desk. He gave me the paper, gesturing to a column. It read 'missing people', i remembered seeing it in the paper a few months ago, after the war.

"What, its just people who were lost in tha war right?"

"No, they discontinued that ages ago, anyone still missing was presumed dead. They put this in this week, i thought it was weird. So" he turned to his computer on the desk behind him. He brought up a file labelled 'designations', "i looked into their information. There was no correlation between them. That is until i looked at their aptitude test results. All of them are divergent, with an aptitude for erudite, abnegation or dauntless. No other divergents have been reported, only ones with those aptitudes."

I sit on the edge of his bed, in shock

"So the divergent are disappearing again?"


	9. Iron Fist

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In this version of the story Jeanine is still alive, this is important to note. She wat killed by Tori in the end of insurgent.

"But...why?"i asked, stunned at the news.

"I have no idea. For testing? For...i dont know. I thought they got what they needed out of you when...when" Tobais couldn't finish his sentence, but we both knew what he meant. I looked down and shook my head, my eyes still trained on the floor.

"No Jeanine said that i was too difficult. I kept breaking out of the simulations. She thought i was too much trouble. She was going to finish the experiments with you. I guess she never really got what she wanted. Not after my execution"

I could see Tobais visibly flinch at the mention of my faux-death. I pretended not to notice as he nodded his head in agreement.

"But she's in prison. There's going to be a trail soon. So it can't have been her" i reasoned, trying to rationalise the situation in my head. Tobais just laughed,

"Not directly. She had an astronomical amount of control over the erudite population, she was worshipped like a God. Whatever information she left behind, whatever tests she wanted completing, her top scientist and researchers would complete." He sighed, running his hands through his hair. He slumped onto the bed, splayed out across the duvet. He shut his eyes and for a moment i could see his old self again, matured from such an abusive and traumatic childhood, but young and free and...everything i loved about him. 

The war seemed to have erased that, he snapped more easily, seemed to have taken every streak of youth and inherent Tobaisness that Marcus hadn't been able to whip out of him. It made me wonder who he could have been, had he not had to suffer through what he did. Had he not had to put up with Marcus, and his mother and...me.

I tried to stifle a yawn as he noticed me staring at him. His brow furrowed, concerned.

"Tired?" He asked, though i thought the answer was obvious. So i just nodded, rubbing my eyes, casting the last essences of sleep from them, to keep me awake for a few hours longer.

"You can sleep here if you want" he offered, i looked at him, slightly shocked and uncomfortable, "i mean, that mat must be pretty uncomfortable and we have the first fights tomorrow, you'll need a decent nights sleep. I'd sleep on the floor, you could take the bed" he followed up quickly, noticing my surprise. I shook my head, letting out a heavy sigh as i sat on the bed next to his torso. 

"I think i'll have nightmares whether I'm in a bed or on the floor. It's waking up multiple times in the night that's keeping me up, not the quality of sleep i actually get" i explained. I was used to it by now. I couldn't remember the last decent nights sleep i had. Perhaps in the early days of the war, though i doubted it. Perhaps in initiation, in the first stages? No, not with all the dreams of being cast over the edge of the Chasm. It must have been back in abnegation, back when my family was whole. Back when i was a daughter and a sister and now...i dont know who i am.

"Well" he muttered drowsily "the offer still stands"

I smiled, not that he could see and slid down the edge of the bed that i had perched myself on. My back lay flush against the square frame and i rested my head against the mattress. I shut my eyes, just for a moment, in the apparent lull in conversation and, soon i was pulled into a restless slumber.

————————

It was dark when i awoke. I gasped for air, clutching my throat, digging my nails into the pale skin on my neck. Silent tears left shiny tracks down my cheeks, half from the pain of virtual suffocation, half from the memory of the clear tank, in the back in the erudite compound. The water slowly rose up, marking its path with goosebumps on my skin and my accelerated breath. It covered my head, sending pins into my lungs, ripping the life from my body, my lungs filled with water and i was gone. In this alternate reality there was no one to save me.

I took in deep breath, as i had taught myself to do after a nightmare. I counted in my head and soon, my breathing returned to its normal state and my hands released themselves from their hold on my throat. In shock, i realised that i was in Tobais's apartment. I was in his bed, covered by his blanket. I must have fallen asleep...a part of me ached form the fact that he wasn't in the bed next to me. Not that i'd have expected him too, he wasn't mine anymore, and i knew that, accepted it...but there would always, i think, be a part of me that yearned for him, for his comfort, his arms. The arms that i had, oh so willingly, walked out of straight to my death. I shook my head trying to focus on the present even in this sleep deprived state. 

I shifted from the bed, padding quietly towards the door. I looked back on his sleeping form, on a makeshift bed of cushions and pillows, lying face down on the floor. Somewhere, some part of me wanted to crawl between his arms that lay between his head and the floor. Another part still resented him for leaving me. Wanted to push him away as far as i could. The same part of me that was telling me to leave, that he didnt want me anymore. The abnegation part of me that kept me alive and almost killed me. The part that no matter how hard i try to push down always bobs to the surface like an old embarrassing memory that you cant seem to shut out.

———————

"Don't think i didn't notice you coming it at three in the morning last night" Christina chided as we made our way from the dining hall to the trianing oom, (yes we had, for once, managed to wake up for breakfast).

"sooo, who's the guy? A certain initiate trainer??" She hinted, i rolled my eyes in irritation, it was very like Christina to jump to conclusions.

"Its not like that. He needed to talk to me about something and i ended up falling asleep. He slept on the floor, it wasnt a big deal"

"Uh huh, so 'not a big deal' that you had to sneak out in the early hours of the morning?"

"Exactly." I said, stiffly, i would never, be comfortable talking to people, not even christina about relationships or feelings or anything deemed either outrageous or selfish in Abnegation, which, as i explore other factions and their traditions, seems to be most things. My curt statement had cut of that particular conversation so she changed the topic, slightly.

"What do you think of Jonah?" She asked, coyly.

"He's very nice" i replied, knowing where this was going.

"Nice? He's into you tris and all you've got is 'nice'?"

"He's not into me! You can't know that, and besides I'm not interested, we both know how my last relationship worked out" i replied, becoming more agitated by the minute. By this point we had reached the training room, early i might add, which for us was an achievement and people were milling around, stretching and generally warming up before the first round of fights.

"How did it work out? You guys broke up, most couples do that." She replied, though what she was trying to achieve my telling me this i had no idea.

"I'm pretty sure most break ups dont end in..."

"In what?" she pressed, ignoring Tobais's presence. He had just strode into the room, clearly wanting to start the session

"It wasn't exactly an easy year in abnegation, what with cutting and.." I said, a little too loudly apparently. It wasnt as if i had been shouting but the people around us stopped to stare for a second before turning their attention back to Tobais. Christina had turned pail, she clearly hadn't put two and two together about my bracelet and my constant need to cover my forearms. Tobais, however didnt look rattled, which annoyed me a little, i couldnt quite place why. Perhaps...perhaps i didn't want to. 

"Am i interrupting something" he asked, to which we both shook our head, christina looking down at the ground like an upset child. 

"So. This morning we will have our first few rounds of fights" Tobais announced. I only noticed Jeremy, one of the new 'leaders in training', standing behind Tobais when he stepped forward to add to his message.

"There will be no conceding" he said. I stared straight at Tobias, knowing that this was a stupid rule, he couldn't look me in the eye. "If you get beaten down, stand back up, a part of being dauntless is getting back up no matter how many punches you've taken. We can separate the strong from the weak not by who wins, but by who gets back up again after falling down."

Yes because beating someone until they pass out is extremely brave, i thought in my head.

Tobais took the blackboard leaning against his leg and hung it on the wall, there were 5 fights that morning. I was on there, against Jonah. great. Not that i doubted i would win, or that i disliked Johnah in anyway, but Christina's earlier comments had made me uneasy. He caught my eye form across the room, he flicked his hair out of his face, as if he was an amity girl making eyes at a boy from across the lunch table, i looked away. I was greeted by a gentle nudge in the ribs by Christina, who had gotten over her previous embarrassment. 

"Can we talk about..you know...later?" She asked tentatively.

"Yeah sure" i replied, not that i really wanted to talk about it to anyone, i had made that perfectly clear after refusing therapy several times durning my stay in the Erudite hospital. 

———-

It was finally time for the fight between Jonah and I. We were called to the ring, i stepped over the rope netting on the side. He gave me a small, yet slightly arrogant smile, as if to say 'I'll let you beat the crap out of me, just this once' which irritated me a little, though perhaps he didnt mean it in that way.

We circled each other, slowly, i took him by surprise, getting a few punches into the face, which he had neglected to defend before retreating back to my side of the ring. He came at me and i dodged him, tripping him Up and again retreating, letting him get back on his feet. 

He launched at me unexpectedly, landing several blows to my face and stomach. He wasnt quick enough to get back so i had time to strike and dealt several hits to his ribs and a kick to his stomach. We then circled each other once again, daring the other to come forward. Eventually i stepped onto his side and he punched me in the stomach, winding me. I hit him in the face several times, splitting my knuckles.

He tried to hit me again and i managed to pull the same move as earlier, tripping him with my leg, however, this time he caught my foot and brought me down with him. I had the gift of speed, and he had for some reason let go of my leg, so i stood up first and rounded on him while he was recovering form his fall. He was soon back on the floor and pinned under my small frame. He struggled, but i held fast not letting him get back up. I looked to Tobias to signal us to stop. He did nothing but stare at us. Without noticing i had lost my hold on Jonah and he managed to break free punching me n the face and flipping us, this time holding me down. He was not as experienced as i , however, and he hadn't held down my legs. I managed to bring my knee up with considerable force. With the induced pain of my blow he let go of me, and rolled onto his side. I managed to trap him once again and kept him there. We had stayed there for about a minute before Tobais piped up,

"Continue fighting initiates" he commanded

"Why?"

"Because, you are not allowed to concede"

"But i dont see what beating him black and blue will do, I've clearly won"

"one of you has to be unable to continue" he stated, getting more and more aggravated. I sighed and took my hold off of Jonah, glaring at him long enough to tell him to stay where he was. I walked out of the fighting ring towards the door.

"Where are you going?" Tobais asked.

"To wash my face" i said, since my nose had begun to bleed.

"Tris." he said, exasperated "finish the fight"

"Give me one good reason, besides becuase its the rules, and i'll come back and finish. Before then, I'm not going to make someone black out just becuase some stupid dauntless leader thinks it proves something. Frankly i think i proved that I could make someone black out in the war" at that he snorted.

"What" i asked, almost turning on my heel and leaving.

"You couldn't hold a gun for 8 months and had a panic attack when you tried, I'm pretty sure you've still got to prove yourself."

there was a stoney silence in the room, the entire training room, once again watching us bicker like children. I couldnt rationalise his change in personality, he went from concerned about me being tired, offering me his bed, tucking me in after i had fallen asleep on the floor to teasing me about not being able to hold a gun. How could he change this quickly. Last night had rekindled a small fire of hope in my heart that perhaps, maybe he still cared about me, in that way. But now, That was gone. 

I didnt feel that that remark required a response so i walked away, feeling his and everyone else's eyes on my back.


	10. Changing Currents

After that incident in the training room all the other initiates seemed to avoid me. It suited me fine, i didn't particularly want to know any of them. They had all formed their own groups, even Peter making friends with a likeminded group of candor and erudite transfers. After my fight with Jonah he hadn't spoken to me. He'd begun to hang out with Peter and his gang of cronies. It hurt. I didnt know him that well, or like him in the way Christina suspected he liked me but...all i did was beat him in a fight. Is his masculinity really that fragile? Could he really not stand to be beaten by someone who had more training than him, was physically stronger because of it, just because they were a girl? I went to dinner that night, alone, Christina had gone off somewhere with Uriah, they were spending a lot of time together. But it suited me fine, i wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone. I was annoyed at myself, and Jonah and Tobias and pretty much everyone in theirs god damn city.

Had the war never taken place, thousands of people would still be alive. My parents would still be alive. I could have trained to be a leader, or be working on training initiates with Tobias. I might still be his and he might still be mine. We could have had an apartment, overlooking the pyre. We could have been happy. But as it was i fighting the urge to cut myself to relive some of the tension building in my head. But with fights going on and the tracker on my wrist, it would be too inconvenient. Sometimes it was a relief that i had to not do it now, but other times it scared me. What if i had to? What if i would go mad if i didn't? These thoughts spiralled in my head as i systematically made my way through my plate of chicken and rice.

————————

Tobais cornered me after dinner

"I have to speak to you" he said, holding my arm and dragging me with him, not waiting for my response. He hauled me along the familiar path to his apartment. I shrugged his arm off of me half way there, and he reluctantly let go, not quite looking me in the eyes as he released his hold.

We arrived at his apartment and he carefully looked up and down the corridor to check that no one had seen me enter. I stood in the middle of the studio with my arms crossed against my chest, i hadn't forgiven him for reaming me out in front of everyone.

Tobais, however, didnt seem to have noticed my anger, or he didn't care. Either way, he was acting like an asshole. He immediately walked over to his computer, not saying a word. I stared at him for minutes, that dragged by like hours. I was beginning to think that he had forgotten that i was there when he cleared his throat and beckoned me over to the screen.

"Look" he said, pointing to lines of code, that i couldnt quite understand.

"What is it?" I asked, irritated in the knowledge that he knew i couldnt read code.

He pressed the enter key, the screen flashed several different colours and finally settled onto a spreadsheet. It was titled 'experiments concerning the divergent population and other cranial anomalies'

"Are these the erudite experiments" i asked, my eyes not lifting from the screen. I saw him nodding in he corner of my peripheral. 

"I managed to hack into the database" he said, scrolling through the pages of information "the only problem is, i only know the titles of each experiment, i can't access the results or method. Its all locked, but i think i'll be able to crack it in a couple of days"

I nodded. Not quite sure what to say. An awkward silence fell over us, so i kept my eyes trained on the screen reading the titles. I finally saw a file labelled 'Beatrice Prior'. I pointed to it on the screen. 

"What's this" i asked, concerned

"Uh, its all the experiments they did on you in Erudite, i think, i didnt check it. I wasnt sure if you wanted to keep it private"

I smiled at those words, glad that he had respected my need for privacy. 

"No it's ok" i assured, i was also curious on how many they had actually managed to perform on me "open the file"

he looked at me, a lace of concern in his expression "tris, are you sure? You dont have.."

"Open it" i said, more forcefully this time.

He clicked on the folder, scrolling through pages and pages of experiments. Many contained my parents names or Tobais'. All were different simulations they had put me through. I recognised most of them, some i didn't remember, maybe i was too sleep deprived. Maybe my mind decided that they were too horrific to remember. I stared blankly at the screen. There were hundreds of experiments, Tobais gaped, open mouthed at the computer. He turned to me, the concern in his face growing.

"Tris i had no idea" he breathed.

"Its fine.." i muttered. It wasnt. But there was nothing arguing with tobais again would do about it.

"No its not...i thought....i didnt realise" he was tripping over his words "theres so many..."

I shrugged. Not willing to talk about it. The experiments and my time at erudite already haunted me, appearing in most dreams, waking thoughts. I didnt need to spend any more time thinking about it, much less talking about it.

Nothing anyone could say was ever going to make all those memories disappear. Nothing they could say would fix me. It just didnt work like that. I was broken....but i was broken so that others didnt have to be...right?

I was still a little angry at Tobais when he offered me a drink. I rolled my eyes and he looked at me with confusion.

"What?" He asked, irritated by my response.

"I just....you're so capricious" i huffed.

"What?" He asked again.

"One minute you're being all nice and sweet, offering me your bed for fucks sake! The next you're reaming me out in front of everyone, acting like I'm some kind of basket case that's about to shoot up the trianing room! You acted like everything i did in the war, didn't matter! I went to fucking erudite to save you! You and every other god damn person in this city and what did i get? Slit wrists in Abnegation is what i got. I know i hurt you and i will never forgive myself for that. But it didn't make every good thing i did disappear. Don't hate me in front of everyone else and be nice to me in person. Just stop. Either like me or hate me, you can't have it both ways!" 

He looked at me, in shock form my outburst. 

"Tris" he said softly as i glared at him "i just...i wasnt trying to ream you out. But people are going to extra wary of us, becuase well....of us. They think that I'm going to favour you becuase of what we used to be" i flinched at the word 'used' a painful reminder of how i wasnt good enough "and the new leader, has mad eit very clear that he doesn't want...a repeat of last year" he sighed.

"I just dont want people to think I'm favouring you because I'm not. Whatever you do you do because of you...not anyone else. I didn't mean to upset you, i assumed you realised."

Right, wasn't even smart enough to realise that he was trying to protect me. By this time he had sat down on the bed beside me, i flopped back into the mattress.

"Sorry" i murdered "i should have realised" I was no longer in the mood to fight. Although he had ignored the majority of what I had said. 

"Its fine" he said, staring down at me as i shut my eyes.

————

Before i knew it i was on my way back to the dorms. I walked slowly, i had no particular desire to leave Tobais's apartment, but i knew he had no desire for me to stay, so i left soon after my outburst. Just as i turned the corner to enter the dorms i bumped into Jonah.

"Hey" he said, a smirk lighting up his face. It was weird, it didnt suit him. Perhaps it was something he had picked up from Peter?

"Hi" i replied, attempting to get past him, but he blocked my way.

"Why are you in such a hurry?" He asked, cornering me against the wall. He was seriously invading my personal space, i tired to hide my discomfort as best i could. 

"Uhh, I'm not" I said distractedly, desperately looking at the door to the dorms, hoping for someone to come out and rescue me from this awkward conversation with Jonah.

"I was just looking for you" he murmured, he still had that smirk plastered on his face.

"Were you?" I asked, clearly not interested.

"Yeah. I wanted to say congratulations on the fight yesterday"

"Oh" i said in surprise "you too"

I tried to leave, forcing my way through his arms.

"Wait, i had another reason i was looking for you"

"What is it?" I said impatiently, really wanting this to be over.

"Well Tris, i really like you, and i think you like me so.." he didnt finish his sentence before leaning forward, a tempting to imprison my lips in a kiss. I quickly, without thinking, turned my cheek. His lips landed on my cheek and he immediately pulled back in surprise. He had left a wet mark on my skin, growing colder by the second.

"Sorry" i said, automatically. Even though i shouldn't really have had anything to be sorry for.

"Look, you're really nice and i like you," i said to him, trying really hard not to be harsh. The memory of my rejection of Al played on loop in the back of my mind. I pushed it away the best I could, praying that this ejection wouldn't end in the same way "As a friend, i like you a lot, but I'm not really looking for a relationship right now, and even if i was i...i have bagage and a lot of it. You dont see al the things that i try to hide, you dont know everything that happened in the war and even before that and..." i decide not to say my final reason, thinking tat it wouldn't be very helpful.

"And you still like Four?"

I shook my head "i still love him. But he left and i dont think il be able to trust someone else for a long time"

He nodded his head. "I understand, I'm sorry if i pressured you."

I shook my head and smiled, "no you didn't. But if you waned a tip, Christina wouldn't say no to a boyfriend, and she thinks your cute"

He laughed as we walked back to the dorm. I lay down on my mat and sighed. It had been a very long few hours. 


	11. Indigo Skies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ahhh sorry really short, next one is longer I promise!!!

The next few days of fights were easy. I was against mainly girls, who, while not lacking strength, lacked the skill to beat me. With my added experience of the war and last year's training, i was miles ahead of the new transfers in terms of technique. Today was no different. i was going against Indigo, an amity transfer. She was, as far as i knew, very nice. She had never given me reason to dislike her, though the conversations we had had were concise and far apart. She looked nervous as she entered the ring, i knew that she was likely to not make it into the final 20 if her previous fights were anything to go by. 

She wrang her hands together, stretching the tan skin, dotted with freckles. I smiled at her encouragingly and went into a defensive position. She mirrored me, a concentrated determined look forming in her eyes. I waited for her to make the first move, trying to give her as many advantages as i could. I let her hit me in the face, it wasnt hard enough to do any damage, though there would be a bruise plastered onto my skin in the morning. She seemed to gain confidence, and let her guard down a little, this was a mistake. As soon as she let her defensive position drop i went in, punching and kicking, not hard enough to hurt her, but enough to make her stagger back, loosing her footing. My moves were slower than usual, weighed down by the lack of sleep i was getting. My mind span a little as i backed off and i touched a hand to my head, trying to stop the dizzying sensation.   
I retreated to my end of the ring. We circled each other for a while, each giving and receiving hits. Each one was harder to throw at her as the acid built up within my muscles and the tiredness seeped even further into my mind. Eventually i had had anough of the gradual give and take and lunged towards her, taking her down. She hit her head on the floor and i pinned her. She had not hit her head hard enough to knock her out, but clearly she had figured out that it was far more painless to pretend to faint than to wait until I'd punched her cold.   
After a few seconds of pinning her Tobais announced that i had won the fight and i stood, wiping a mix of sweat and blood off of my brow. I left the ring, helping indigo to her friends. I went to the sink in the corner and washed the grime form my knuckles, they had split in a few places that had been healing from previous fights. Tobais came over,  
"Here, try this" he said, smoothing some ointment over my wounds, it eased the pain slightly, numbing the sting of the re-opened cuts. I smiled up at him "thanks, ugh i really hate fighting like this"  
"I know" he agreed "but its only for a few more days"  
"Yeah, i guess" i sighed, running a hand across my forehead. He clearly noticed the bags under my eyes and the slightly lethargic movements i had made durning my fight.   
"You should try and get an early night, you look tired" i laughed at his comment, yeah no shit I'm tired, i have nightmares every night waking me up in the early hours of the morning. "And besides" he added "capture the flag is scheduled for tonight" i groaned at the thought. Usually i would have left at the chance to engage in this mock battle, exchanging paint balls and searching for the other team's flag. However, i was not in the mood today, i didnt need another reason to get up at 1 in the morning. He chuckled and i glared at him.   
—————  
I had, as Tobias advised, gone to bed early, very early in fact. I had skipped dinner and gone straight to my mat on the floor. Luckily i wasn't plagued with nightmares and at 1.30 Tobias came storming in  
"Everyone up!!! Meet me by the train tracks in 10 minutes or you're out of here. C'mon lets go"  
Everyone moaned, stretching their already tired muscles and donning black clothes and warm jackets. I seemed to be the only one with any energy, this was the most sleep i had gotten in weeks!  
Christina glared at me,  
"You knew about this didn't you!"  
I simply smirked and turned my head to look back at her "maybe". I laughed and ran out Ito the darkness beyond, Christina a quick on my heels.


	12. Kindling

Tobais was at one end of the long platform. He was tapping his foot and checking his watch, his silhouette highlighted by the full moon glowing behind his back. I could hear the train in the distance, screeching down the tracks, hurtling towards us. I couldn't see the train when Tobias began to run, but i followed his lead and ran behind him.  
The train hurtled past us and we all began to leap on. My muscles ached from their earlier exertion and i couldn't quite make the jump, just as i thought i was about to be left on the platform, tobais held out his hand. I grabbed it and he hauled me in, catching my waist as i was pulled into the carriage. We looked at each other for a second then split apart, as if two magnets repelling.  
"Thanks" i muttered, quickly walking back to Christina, who had managed to get on at the other door. She had watched Tobais help me onto the train.  
"Scratch Jonah" she stated "Four has still got it bad for you"  
I rolled my eyes.  
"No he hasn't, we're just..."  
"Friends?"  
"Yes, no! I dont know but we're not us? And besides, Jonah asked me out yesterday"  
Chrsitna let out a high pitches scriek and i immediately regretted telling her. Everyone in the train carriage turns to stare at us and i look down at my feet, ignoring the irritated looks  
"He did?"  
"No I'm lying" i deadpanned "yes he did, but i said no" i said anticipating her next response. She looked at me in disappointment.  
"Tris?! He's cute, he's nice, why not, have some fun"  
I rolled my eyes, "I'm not interested in a relationship right now"  
"Or just a relationship with Four"  
At that statement some of the dauntless initiates form last year looked us, Christina simply stuck up her middle finger, banishing their glaces and prying ears from our conversation.  
"No!" I half whispered, half shouted "i dont want to be in a relationship with anyone, its too complicated and no I'm not 'over' him, or whatever you call it. But i dont see why i should be,"  
"Are you finished?" She asked, clearly not interested in what i was saying.  
"No I'm not. I dont understand why you're pressuring me to be in a relationship when its not like you've been with anyone since Will" i said, not quite realising the magnitude of my words until i had said them, and even then...i didnt care. I was angry, that i had to be over him so quickly after all that we had gone through. I regretted it as soon as i saw the look in Christina's eyes, pure pain. "Oh shit, I'm so sorry, i dont know why i said that. Its totally different" i held my head in my hands, waiting for her response.  
"Its ok" she said, placing a hand on my upper back "i shouldn't have pressured you i know you stiffs are weird about that sort of thing" she teased. I rose my head and shook my head at her smiling. I hugged her, the first non violent physical contact I'd had in days. By this time we were almost at our destination. We all went to the bags hauled up my Lauren and Four to grab a paint gun and plenty of pellets.  
"Ok we're going to choose teams, Four and i are the Captains, we'll take it in turns to pick. Four wanna start?" Lauren announced to the now silent carriage.  
He nodded, scanning the carriage before locking eyes with me and calling "Tris"  
Christin jabbed me in the ribs, in an 'i told you do so' kind of way, as i walked up to stand next to him. The rest were split evenly between us. My team had Uriah, Christina, other fast, nimble people, as was Tobias' taste. There were a few dauntless borns from the year before, though most had gone on Laurens team and one or two of the transfers including Indigo, who i had fought yesterday. The rest i didn't recognise.   
We jumped of the train and slammed onto the tarmac, Tobias grabbing my arm to stop me form falling over as we hit the ground, i looked up a him gratefully. Once we had reached our destination there was a flurry of voices, each jockeying for power. Eventually Uriah won, dishing out roles to each person. Some were on offense, some defence while i,  
"Tris, you know what to do" he called at me. I remembered my climb up the Ferris wheel from last year. I turned to walk towards the looming structure of Iron ahead just as Uriah called   
"Four go with her, make sure she doesn't die" i rolled by eyes at Uriah's brashness and stuck my tongue at him as i turned again to see Tobais walking towards me, a small smirk on his face, though i wasnt quite sure why, seeing as he was afraid of heights. I walked up to the ladder, testing its strength. It had been 1 year since i had last climbed it, and even then it was creaky and slightly unstable.   
Once i was satisfied that it would support my wight i began to climb, Tobias following behind, albeit slightly more hesitantly. I climbed higher and higher, letting the wind whip my har out of the hat i wore on my head. It blew across my skin and i shut my eyes for a second, revelling in the almost weightlessness i felt up there. I kept climbing until i reached the platform at the centre. I could have climbed higher, but i could already see where the flag was, around 500 metres away form us at the top of a tree.  
Just as i was about to point out the location jut as i heard a snap below me. I look down, seeing that the rung Tobais was grabbing had come off, time seemed to slow. I watched him fall backwards, he looked up at me, his worst fears finally coming true.  
An inhuman scream left my body as i dropped to the floor of the platform, stretching my hand out in the hopes that he would catch it, instead of plummeting to the cold tarmac ground. I shut my eyes, squeezing them until i could no longer detect even the small rays of light dancing off of the moon. Sobs wracked my body in the few seconds after the rung snapped as i imagined his mangled body, lying on the floor below me, devoid of all life.


	13. Home

He caught may hand, sending me skidding across the platform and almost over the edge, at which point i would have been no use to anyone. He held onto my hand tightly as he found proper footing and began to climb back up to me. I was shaking, stunned with the fear of almost loosing him, which was illogical because....he was supposed to be nothing to me now. My heart ached as i watching him climb, the constant fear of him falling now doubled, tripled and dulled to an ache in my lower abdomen.  
As he reached the platform he wrapped me in his arms, sensing my distress.   
"Hey, its ok!" He laughed, which only made my cry harder "I'm alright, see"  
I thought he would have been more traumatised by the event than i, considering his fear of heights. I pushed away my tears, sniffing and apologising, tough he didn't seem to mind too much, in fact he was smiling down at me, looking at me like he used to...like i was the last person he would ever see. I turned away from his gaze, now embarrassed at my reaction to his fall and pointed out the location of the flag.  
"Over there, see?" I said, my voice still shaky with emotion.  
"Yeah, yeah i see it" he said, nodding. We stayed up on the platform for a minute, admiring the view, or at least i was.   
"The city looks so pretty from up here" i mumured, only loud enough so that he could just about hear me over the wind whistling in our ears.  
"Uh huh" he said, clearly distracted, "I think we should head down now, you know, gotta get back to Uriah and all"  
"Oh yeah" i said, smiling softly at him "thats the reason"  
He jabbed me in the ribs with his elbow, before steadying me with his hand on my waist, causing a shiver to run up my spine as the cold air hit the skin exposed as his hand ran up the side of my chest.  
"Ready?" He said, staring down at me. I simply nodded and gestured for him to go down first. I figured he was more desperate to be back on the ground than i. The metal cooled my hands, numbing them against the feverish heat that had taken over them on the platform, partly from the distress of Tobias' brush with death and from the friction of pulling him back up.   
I rubbed them together, trying to warm them back up as we approached Uriah. We told him how far away the flag was and the exact location. With all of the information we had relayed to him he reassigned the teams. Tobias, Jonah and I were all going to try and retrieve the flag. I was small, able to climb trees with ease and Jonah and Tobais were very good shots. We formed a generic plan of action, how we would go in and take the other team down. 

————————

We ran across the damp tarmac, trying to make as little noise as possible in our combat boots. We held our guns close to us, taking strength from the cold, powerful mechanism in our arms. When we got close to the location of the flag we split up. Jonah would cause a distraction and eventually find the other offence team we had sent out to shoot as many people from the other team as possible. Tobias would cover my back, letting me get to the tree that the flag was in.   
We launched into their territory, running as we dodged paintball pellets, and i realised pretty quickly that our origional plan wasnt going to work as well as we wanted it too.   
We snuck behind a dumpster large enough to shelter both Tobias and I. I whispered my new plan into his ear and he smiled nodding at my plan. On my mark, we ran out side by side, getting hit by bullets as we ran. He stood in front of me, protecting me from the paint as i climbed up a tree. Once i was in, there was no way anyone could shoot me, or see me for that matter, through the thick foliage. I crept up through the tree, carefully balancing myself as i tiptoed across an extremely thin branch. I could see that our new plan would work well now that I was almost at the adjacent tree and i launched myself through the air, landing on the trunk of the next tree.   
No one seemed to have noticed, or if they had they knew it was pointless to send any bullets my way. I followed the same routine, jumping from tree to tree as i neared the one, glowing form the light of the flag. I tried to be as quiet as possible as i made my way into the huge oak that housed the flag. My fingers brushed the rough bark, fighting for hand holds as i crept further towards the prize. No one below me 'gaurding' the tree had noticed my precense, so it was incredibly easy to snatch the flag from its place on a high branch. I climbed too the top of the tree, waving it as i heard a harmony of cheers and groans below.   
As soon as i reached the ground the flag was snatched form me, everyone wanting a glimpse of the prize. Many patted me on the back, cheering and whooping as we made our way back to the train tracks. I tagged behind, waiting for Tobias who i knew would be at the back of the group. It was easy to spot him, as covered as he was in neon coloured paint. He grinned at me as i approached, and i realised that it was the first time in a year i had seen him genuinely happy. There was no glint of childhood trauma in his eyes, nor of the lives he had taken in the war. He was 19, a teenager, full of adrenaline and endorphins form the exercise and our recent win. He was himself, in the purest form. Free.   
He put his hand on my shoulder as i approached "well done" he said, still grinning.   
"Well thanks for having my back" i replied, stopping to look him in the eyes   
"Always" he murmured. There was silence between us, not awkward, just loaded. With questions, hopes, guarded by the people we knew could have been, in a different time. He took his hand from his gun and rested it on my cheek. His fingers reached into my hair, stroking my ear slightly. I leant my head into his hand, and we closed the space between us. We were snapped out of our silent revory by a paintball flying past Tobias' head and hitting me on the chest. I looked past Tobais, who had removed his hand form my face and i saw Christina and Uriah, around 30 metres away from us, sniggering in the dark. I rolled my eyes, firing a shot into the darkness. I knew by the high pitched scream that it had hit Uriah.   
Tobias and i looked at each other and laughed, genuinely laughed, for the first time in a while. We traipsed back to the tracks. We walked slowly, not really caring if we missed the train. I began to shiver halfway there, the sweat from my previous exertion now forming a cooling layer over my skin that i no longer needed. Tobais seemed to notice. He slipped off his jacket and the hoodie he wore underneath and gave it to me. I was too tired to refuse him and have an argument about it, and besides i didnt really want to refuse the gesture. I slipped it over my head, the bottom falling to below my waist. I smiled up at him as i rolled the sleeves to fit better and he smiled at me, we were hurried on by Christina's shouts that were going to be late to the train if we didn't 'hurry the fuck up'.  
So we raced each other to the platform, just making it intime to hoist ourselves in. I walked over to Christina who only raised her eyebrow at my change of outfit, clearly not wanting to have an argument at my ever complicated love life, or lack thereof.   
I caught Tobias staring at me as i slumped against the wall, desperately tired. I smiled at him, and he smiled back. I could smell him through his hoodie that i wore, the heavy masculine scent, tinted of mint and sweat, that i always associated with him. I wondered, later while i was lying in bed, why i hadn't refused his jumper. I knew it was more than not wanting an argument, because that had never stopped me from doing anything before. I concluded, just as sleep overtook me and transported me to morning, that i liked the feeling of him being with me. Throughout the war and my time in dauntless last year, i had associated him with safety, love and my home, where i had no where else to go and no one else to turn to.


	14. Just...Pain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains rape. Please do to read further if it will cause you any discomfort.

I woke up that morning in a surprisingly good mood, despite my tired state. There was a babble of lively chatter along the corridors as we headed to breakfast, today was the last day of fighting and then we would have a few days off before stage 2. I still wore Tobias' hoodie, not quite ready to take it off. We, Christina and I, sat down at a table with Uriah, Zeke, Shauna and Tobais, who smirked at me at the sight of his jumper, he didn't seem to mind too much that I'd decided to keep it on.  
My mood was significantly lowered as we entered the training room and I saw that I was against Peter. I wasnt sure that I would win against him, given his strength and height, not to mention, he was a fairly skilled fighter. With just as much experience as I, it would be a matter of resistance as to who would win. We were the first to fight, so we were called into the ring shortly after warming up. 

I shed my hoodie, giving it to Christina and then walking towards the ring in the centre of the room. Peter was already there and waiting, tapping his foot on the ground, not phased at all by our fight. I climbed in and waited for Tobais to signal for us to start, he couldnt quite look me in the eyes. He gave us the signal and we began to circle each other.

"Back here again huh stiff?" Peter jeered "too bad your boyfriend won't be able to save you when I beat you to a pulp"

There were some scattered laughs among the spectators, I ignored his comments, choosing instead to take him by surprise, dashing forwards and kicking him in the gut, unfortunately he managed to grab my leg as it retreated. He brought me down, pinning me and punching me in the face, a deafening crack ran through the room, echoing against the concrete walls. I winced, letting the adrenaline take away the pain and brought my knee up, into his groin as he continued to punch me. This distraction allowed me to get back on my feet, scampering to the opposite end of the ring. 

We, once again, circled each other, each taking turns punching and retreating. I managed to doge several of his hits, lunging forward as he lost balance and hit him with a series of punches. I could tell that, in skill, we were well matched, this would be a test of endurance rather than how hard, or well, we could throw punches. As I hit him in the corner of the mouth i heard a crack and his jaw seemed to hag slightly loosely off of his face. The adrenaline pumping through him had done him a favour, and he didn't seemed to have noticed the extent of the damage yet. 

For five minutes we circled, continuing our routine, dancing around each other as we battled for dominance. Each hit we threw got lighter and lighter, until they were maybe half of the power we started with. It took only a light hit to the temple to bring Peter down and out cold. As he fell he grabbed me, and i slammed my head against the cold concrete below. I opened my eyes and saw Christina rushing towards me, and Tobias announcing me the victor before everything went black.

————————

The lights in the infirmary were as luminous as ever, straining my eyes as I cracked them open. My head stung and so did my nose. I felt the swelling bulge in the centre of my face and noticed a bandage holding my nose in place. Broken, I thought to myself. Terrific. But at least that was my last fight, and it wouldn't be a liability for the next sections of initiation. 

A nurse came quickly when they noticed that I was conscious. They were anxious to release me, as there had been a fight between the faction-less and dauntless soldiers earlier in the day, and my bed was needed to tend to the wounded. I was fine to go, not wanting to spend anymore time in the medical wing than I had to. I was discharged and told that dinner had ended, so i would have to wait until breakfast, or buy something from one of the food vendors in the pit. I didn't think I could stomach any food at that time, so I was rather glad that dinner had already ended.

I walked through the dark halls, occasionally touching my forehead to try and dull the spinning sensation that seemed to knock me off balance. My other hand ran along the rough walls, the crumbling paint job scratching my fingers as they scraped across the surface. I heard footsteps behind me, but paid no mind to them, had I been a little more coherent I may have ben more aware.

Before I could even let out a sound they had cornered me. One had a hand over my mouth, stopping me from making a sound. I saw that it was a group of boys, all from my transfer group. In the middle, holding my shoulders against the wall was:

"Jonah?" I questioned "what are you doing?" I struggled against their iron tight grip on me, but stopped fairly quickly i realised that it was futile to try and resist their hold and the movement only made my head spin.

"We have a proposition for you Tris" I heard a familiar voice say on my left, i turned my head as much as i could given the hands keeping my entire body still. It was Peter, I should have known that he'd been oddly passive during this band of initiation. It didn't shock me to see him involved with....i had no idea what was going to happen at that point.

"Let me go and i'll hear you out" I defended

They only laughed, squeezing my arms tighter, cutting off blood flow. Peter clearly decided that he wasn't going to reply to my previous statement so he simply went on with his plan.

"I dont want to get beaten by a fucking stiff again this year. I should have won last year but clearly that abnegation boyfriend of yours messed with the results for you"

"He's not my" i tried to interrupt before one of them slapped me in the face, leaving a stinging handprint over my cheek.

"I dont care! You need to tell him, or the other useless instructor that you cheated in the fights, had a knife, threatened them, i dont care, make something up."

"And what if i don't?" I asked as the hold on my mouth loosened

"We'll kill you" he said, his face stone cold and I laughed, mostly out of shock and fear. My mind shut down and tried to deal with this new information. My vision ceased to spin as I gained back control of my balance and adrenaline flooded my system.

"Cause that went really well last time huh?" I questioned. I didn't want them to have a leverage of fear over me. It didn't seem like a very good idea 30 seconds later when I was kicked in the stomach, winding me. 

"Will you do it or not, stiff?" Jonah asked impatiently. 

"No" I scowled. I wasn't about to cave into whatever they wanted. I'd almost got myself killed for much more trivial reasons in the past and this was my identity. I wasn't about to lie and let this group of scum get away with blackmail so that they could get the light of day and after all, as I reminded myself in the moments before my refusal, what did I really have to live for? Wasn't death what I had been craving all these months? Not in this way, or this place, but death is death, I suppose, no matter the way it is given to you. I stood my gourd as they processed my refusal. 

They then turned on me, picking me up as I struggled to break free of their grip. I worked out that there's around 4-5 boys helping to take my struggling body to the chasm. They laughed with each other as I thrashed in their grip, like those videos of fish we used to watch in class, after they'd been taken out of the water. I kicked and screamed as they shoved me to the ground next to the railing. It was then that I felt it, a hand creeping up my shirt. 

I stopped breathing and an agonising, sinking feeling grew in my lower abdomen. I knew, I knew what this would lead to. A hand pushed my underwear out of the way and felt up my chest. It was only then that I showed any kind of emotion. I screamed, tears falling form my face. I stared at the malicious looks on their faces as my dignity and pride was stripped form me.

I wondered what had happened to...to good people. They seemed to have all but disappeared. I shut my eyes, wishing, hoping praying for this nightmare to pass. I continued to flail under their grip, though the adrenaline in my system was beginning to dwindle and my muscles were tired form the fight earlier. Tears blurred my vision as i felt another hand reach to my trousers.

"Enjoying this stiff" i heard Jonah mutter "thinking you shouldn't have rejected me after all? Bitch" 

All I could do was scream. I was weak and helpless and I couldn't stand it. I dont think I would ver be able to express it in words. He pulled down my trousers and...I dont think I need to go into detail.

He took everything, my dignity, my pride, my sense of self worth. He used my body as if it meant nothing as if I was nothing. I thought he was my friend. I trusted him and this is what he did to me? How could he be so heartless, so ruthless? So set in his arrogance and conceit that he couldn't imagine why any woman wouldn't want him. How could they not understand that what they were doing was wrong? Tears burned the cuts on my face and I knew that this would be the last thing I would ever feel. I would feel the burning pain of someone forcing themselves upon me and then harsh waves and rocks of the chasm below. And no one would ever know.

I struggled and screamed, never stopping my flailing and attempts to escape. Noises ripped themselves form my throat, heart stopping shrieks, cracking my throat, sounds full of pain and suffering and death. I wished I was dead. I wished that this would kill me and that I would die on the spot. It was too painful. Life was too painful. I heard more footsteps coming towards us and all my pain ridden, shocked mind could think, was that there were more people coming to hurt me. I soon heard shouting and a short high pitched scream. In my state of delirium I couldn't tell if it was my scream or not.

The hands left my body, and the blurry shapes in front of me seemed to disperse. I gasped, breathing as I struggled to get up. Arms grabbed my middle and i screamed again, begging them to let me go. Pleading for them to not hurt me again. 

I only stopped my struggling when i recognised Christina's voice. I turned in her rams and she hugged me too her. After only a few second sin her embrace she let go,

"We need to get you out of here" she said, looking me up and down. All i could do was nod. I noticed Jonah on the floor, out cold and a tall shape chasing the other boys away from us. I began to shake, not managing to walk even 10 metres before collapsing to the floor. It was too much to process. I didn't understand what had just happened. I knew I needed to get away from Jonah, even though he was knocked out. It was a burning, panic ridden need. I had to get away from him. I had to leave, but my legs didn't seem to be able to carry me.

I felt someone put their arms under my legs and carrying me away. Christina stayed by my side, she seemed to be crying. They carried me away from the chasm, away from Jonah's limp body. Away from...and i fainted, the events overwhelming my mind and senses.


	15. My Other Demons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eh not too happy with this chapter but here we are....

I was in the midst of falling asleep, lost in the blurry world between consciousness and sleep when I heard a loud bang on my door. I stirred, confused for a moment before heading towards the door. I doubled back to grab my gun from the nightstand, not quite sure who was knocking this late.

The banging began again, it definitely wasnt Tris, her knocks were faster and quieter than these. I opened the door, gun by my side, only to reveal Uriah, carrying an unconsious Tris with Christina by his side. I laid my gun down on the console next to the door and quickly ushered them in. 

He laid Tris down on the sofa next to my bed an I ran to her side. As I stroked her sweat soaked hair I asked:

"What happened?"

Uriah and Christina shared a look and the latter began to tremble, tears running down her face. Uriah put his arm around her, his thumb rubbing her shoulder.

"we went to collect Tris from the infirmary but she had been discharged, so we walked back to the dorms thinking that thats where she would be. On the way we saw a group of people by the railing and...there was Jonah and Peter and a couple of others. I assume they were planning on throwing her over the chasm or something but they were..." Uriahs voice cracked with emotion "..one of them had forced themselves on her "

My chest surged with rage and I stood up, racing towards the door. 

"Where are they?" I shouted, not quite recognising the voice leaving my body.

"Four stop!" Uriah commanded "I took care of it, but right now, she needs you. We can deal with them later, we have to make sure she's ok" I just nodded at his statement, calming down and coming back to kneel on the floor next to her. She didn't stir as I removed the matted hair from her forehead.

"Who was it?" I asked, not sure i wanted to know the answer.

They shared another look before Christina answered.

"Jonah. He was...and Peter and a couple of the either transfers, Max and I don't know the other one. I'm so sorry. Its all my fault" she whispered. She burst into tears once again while Uriah comforted her. I had never particularly liked Christina, we were very different people but I knew she loved Tris and wouldn't hurt her. Before i could ask what her part in all of this was she continued, "I knew he'd asked her out and she'd said no. I could see him giving her wierd looks but I ignored it and now...just becuase she didnt want to go out with him"

I sitfferend at her words, not becuase I was mad with Christina, quit the contrary, she didn't know this would happen. I was angry that anyone could do this to her. I couldn't even comprehend how someone could justify it, how they could live with themselves. I hoped and prayed that they couldn't. 

"You need to go and report this." I told them "I'll take care of Tris, but we need to report it now"

They both seemed hesitant to leave.

"Are you sure thats what Tris would want? I mean she didn't report it last time she was attacked" Uriah murmured.

"This is different, last time she had something to prove, how can you expect her to just see those guys everyday. She's already f*cking suicidal. Seeing her rapist walking around free isn't going to do her any good is it?" 

They both looked shocked by my outburst, and perhaps I shouldn't have revealed such intimate details of Tris' life with them, but I'd assumed that they already knew. They followed my order and quickly left my studio, heading up to the pyre to report the crime. After shutting and locking the door I went over to Tris who was now beginning to open her eyes.

"Tris?" I asked, hesitantly. Her pupils we're dilated in fear, she was no doubt still in shock from the events of earlier. I didn't touch her, I simply sat by her for a minute as she regained consciousness. Her breaths were even, though a bit raspy, catching, seemingly painfully in her throat.

"Tobias" she answered, her voice quiet, as raspy as her breaths were, though it didnt seem to cause her pain. 

"Yeah I'm here, you're ok." I stated, comforting myself more than Tris, who only closed her eyes again. I let her doze on my couch for 20-30 minutes. Chrsinta and Uriah had come back to tell me that they'd reported the incident and that they were heading back to the dorms to keep an eye on Jonah and Peter, so that they didnt run off. 

She awoke, slightly more coherent this time, though a great deal more panicked. I was at my computer, trying to hack into the dauntless database to see if I could find some video of the crime against her when I heard her stir. I walked over to her lying figure on the sofa and knelt down next to her.

"Hey" I said, quietly, hoping not to frighten her. As much as I didn't want to treat her like a scared child, I didn't want her to become even more scared and panicked by my precense as a male, given what had just happened to her. She didn't seem phased by my precense, however, and tried to sit up. I helped her sit upright against the arm of the sofa and sat across from her.

"Why am I here?" She asked, her face drained of all emotion "what happened after..."

I cleared my throat "uh, Uriah and Christina found you and, um brought you here. I guess they thought that..." I tried to clear my mind "I think they thought you would be more at ease here than in the infirmary"

She just nodded. We stayed silent for a minute again before she spoke, with more emotion and pain her voice, though I knew that she was till keeping a lot of it down. 

"I" she started "I, uh, I cant go back. I wont do it" I furrowed my brow, confused.

"Where Tris?"

"I just cant go back there. Or to the dorms. Or anywhere where they're gonna be" she began to panick, hyperventilating, mimicking the episode she had had in the gun training weeks ago. I leant forward on the sofa, lifting her into my arms as she continued to panick. Eventually her breathing slowed, though I could still see the fear in her actions. She leant her head against my chest,

"Its gonna be ok" I whispered to her, over and over. It seemed stupid at the time. I had no clue if things would be alright, and she knew that I knew that...but I thought to all of the times in the last year, or in the last 19, that I had been scared and fearful and I knew that all I needed was for someone to be there, and for them to tell me that it was going to be ok. We stayed in that position until Tris looked up at me, calm seemed to have returned though she still shook in my arms, trembling under the weight of what had happened to her.

"Can I stay here?" She said, barely above a whisper.

"Of course" I murmured back, kissing the top of her head. I picked her up and carried her over to my bed, laying her down in it. 

"Do you need water or anything?" I asked, she shook her head, and although her panic attack had long ended, she had a glassy look over her eyes. I expected it, I didnt expect her to be the same after...something like that happens to you. But it hurt more than I might have expected it to. This girl, laying in my bed, had killed and almost been killed. 

She had turned herself into Erudite to save everyone elses lives. She had sacrificed everything for something better, for others, for a more worthy future. I had seen the marks from the transmitters on most of the ransfers. They had all had the transmitter shot into them in the attack on Candor, or most in any case. They could all have been victims of Jeanine's cruel plan. They could have walked over railing of the chasm and plummeted to their death, but Tris turned herself in to stop that from happened. She saved them, she hurt me, but she saved everyone else and for what? For 5 guys to jump her at night, after being unconsious for 5 hours and r*pe her, take her body, not to mention her mental wellbeing and abuse this girl who had given all she had to them. It made me sick.

I began to take blankets from the cupboard, making a makeshift bed for myself on the sofa tris had previously when I heard her voice, echoing softly through the room.

"Tobias?" 

"Yeah?"

"Uh" she sounded unsure "can I borrow a shirt or something, I dont really want to wear these and I just..." even from across the room I could sense the emotion in her tone, threatening to spill over at any moment. I scolded myself, how had I not thought of it before, of course she wouldn't want to wear the clothes she was in.

"Yeah of course! Sorry, I didn't...but anyway yeah" I tripped over my words as I got clothes out of my chest of draws "uh you can use my shower too, I don't know if you want to or.."

"Yeah that would be good" she replied, getting up off of the bed. I rushed over to her, worried that she may fall, she only rolled her eyes at my concern "I was raped Tobias, I can still walk" she said, accepting the clothes and towel from my hand. I sighed in disappointment, not becuase of Tris, becuase of myself. I just...I didnt understand why I couldnt have been there for her. She needed me and I was not there. I didnt care anymore that she wasnt 'mine'....and I was making it about me, this is Tris' pain and I...I am just background noise.

—————

She showered quickly, coming back in in the clothes I had given her, one of my smaller T-shirt's, that still drowned her and some of my larger basketball shorts, I thought she might want to, not cover up in a modesty sense, but I thought baggier clothes that covered more fo her might make her feel more...protected? She clmibed into bed, lying down facing me. I was finishing making my bed on the sofa and she looked at me, as if she was building up the courage to ask something. 

"What if I dream about it?" She asked "it was bad enough...I dont want to have to relive it over and over and..." she chocked up with emotion. This was like the war all over again. Killing and almost dying, seeing those you love die or almost die, in the moment it doesn't feel real. You're numb form shock and adrenaline and you dont believe it's true. The worst part is seeing it again in your nightmares. Watching the life drain out of their face a million times. Never letting those memories fall away, letting them go to the back of your mind. I knew, that for Tris, this would just be another demon in her nightmares, taunting her will to live.

I sat on the edge of the bed and whispered "you'll wake up, and it will be a new day and it will all just be a dream" she nodded. Shutting her eyes for afew seconds, collecting her scattered thoughts. 

"Will you...you can sleep I the bed if you want" she asked, not looking me in the eye.

"I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable" I resisted

"It won't"

"Tris..." I questioned

"Please" she said, looking me directl in the eyes. 

"Ok."

I went into the bathroom, brushing my teeth e.c.t. By the time I got back she was almost asleep, though still awake enough to crawl into my arms when I got into the low bed. I held her, watching her sleep for a long time, careful to make sure my precense wasnt scaring her. Eventually I managed to drift off...letting her regular breathing lull me into a deep sleep.


	16. Left Behind

The shower was running when i woke. I rolled over and lay on my back, my hand pressed to my forehead as my eyes adjusted to the daylight seeping into the apartment. Tobias always slept with the curtains open. I could hear the rain outside, hitting the windows, causing small tinkering sounds against the glass. The city felt quiet, calm, the sun cast small beams of light onto the glass coffee table in the middle of the flor, near the door. It caused the light to refract, spilling tiny rainbows onto the floor and walls around it. It looked...beautiful. 

I had half expected that after each time something horrible happened to you, the world would just look darker and marker until one day...it would be too dark to see clearly anymore. But everything stayed the same, the sun always rose and set and the rain came and went. People would live and hurt and die but...everything stayed the same. There was some comfort in that. It showed me that the world was not a bad place, it just seemed to breed bad people. 

The shower suddenly shut off, and a few minutes later Tobias emerged, clean shaven and with damp tendrils of hair hanging around his forehead. He smiled at me sympathetically, walking over to the bed and sitting down on the edge.

"How are you feeling" he asked, clearly still feeling awkward about the situation. I didn't blame him for that, it wasn't exactly something we were encouraged to talk about in Abnegaiton, if you reported something like that they would, most likely, say you were attention seeking, which is selfish. They tended to blame the victim. 

"Ok" I replied. I wasn't ok, but there was nothing he could do or say to make me better. It would take justice and action and the funny things that time does to memories to make it better. None of which Tobias could procure for me at this moment in time. He nodded, acknowledging the fact that I had no desire to talk about the subject. 

"Uriah and Christina reported it. There should be a trial soon.." he trailed off, obviously devoid of things to say. A silence formed between us, hard and uncomfortable, neither of us willing to change the subject, nor continue on the lane of conversation. After a minute of that silence I got up, letting the duvet fall back onto bed and picking up my towel from last night that I had left on the floor. I picked up my leggings and made a move to put them back on before Tobias stopped me.

"Wait, I have some girls clothes in my closet" he said before walking over to the pine wardrobe in the corner of the room. I was puzzled at this statement. I don't know who's clothes he would have except mine, and I knew for a fact that he didn't have any. Was he with someone while I was in abnegaiton? That thought intensified the contracted, worried feeling in the pit of my stomach that had been present since last night. I tried to tell myself that it was none of my business, but it didn't seem to change my mind on the matter. He came back to me, a pair of black jeans in his hand.

"They're yours" he said "I hope they still fit" I simply shook my head. 

"They can't be mine I didn't leave any clothes here after...after I left for Erudite" I replied, the hurt still present in my voice.

"Yeah...uh Christina found them when she came back after Evelyns government was overturned to get her stuff. I guess she hadn't had time to before then but anyway she gave them to me...I don't know why, she just said, she figured I might want them. So I kept them becuase I thought you might need them at some point?" he smiled bashfully. He seemed to end his statement as a question, as if I would be angry at him for keeping my clothes.

"Its ok" I said also smiling, before heading into the bathroom to change. I tied up the top I was already wearing so it didn't look so huge on me, and pulled a jumper over the top. As I left the bathroom, I realised it was visiting day. I figured I should go and find Christina, to tell her that I was ok and then...I wasn't sure what I would do then.

"I'm gonna go and find chris" I told him "to tell her I'm ok" 

He nodded, his hands tucked into the front pockets of his jeans "what will you do the rest of the day?" He asked and i shrugged, not quite meeting his eye.

"Walk around, try and forget that every member of my family isn't dead or a traitor" the last few words came out in a half laugh, echoing around the lightly furnished apartment. Silence then ensconced us as we both processed what I'd said. 

"You could come back here? Its not like my family's coming to visit either. We could relish in our crap home life together?" I laughed, seemingly forgetting what had happened 12 hours prior, if only for a moment. 

"Yeah, that would be really nice" I agreed as I made my way towards the door and out into the compound. He seemed hesitant to let me leave on my own, given what happened last time. But I suppose he knew that any offer of accompanying me would be swiftly turned down, given my rebellious and independent streak.

———————

I found Christina in the dorms after I left Tobias' apartment. She was still asleep in her bed, so I woke her up and she seemed very relieved to see me. Uriah joined us soon after, also relieved that I was ok. They gave me details about the reported crime, though didn't press me to talk about it.

"Oh yeah, by the way Tris" Uriah started "I talked to my Mum and if you didn't feel comfortable sleeping in the dorms then you could stay in the guest room in our flat until initiation is over. You obviously don't have to, or you might be staying at Four's I dont know, but it's there if you need it. She said she'd be happy to have you" I smiled at his thoughtfulness. Glad that someone cared about me enough to do something like that.

"I'm not sure what's happening to be hornet, I hadn't really thought about it," I admitted. "But if your mum is happy to have me then that would be really great. Thank you." They both left soon after that, after I had assured them that I was ok, and that they should spend the day with their families. I knew that both of them had been looking forward to it, and so, who was I to tell them not to go?

I traipsed back to Tobias's apartment, making my way slowly through the halls, and eventually coming to the corridor that his apartment resided on. I passed the pit on the way there, and watched the activities going on for a little while. There were the usual fights and daring stunts taking place around the edges, but in the centre there were specs of blue, white, yellow and red infiltrating the dense mass of black. I watched the tiny figures below embrace their loved ones. I could see family members running at each other from opposite ends of the pit, obviously delighted to see each other again.

That was one of the better things about the war, family ties were far stronger. The leaders began to appreciate the fact that your family would be your family, if in the same faction or not. They didn't exactly encourage inter-faction mingling, but it wasn't discouraged as it once was. 

I remembered seeing my mother there 1 year ago. That memory, though I should, and to a certain degree do, cherish it, makes me only question how much I really knew about my mother. There was so much to learn that I wasn't allowed to know inside the constricting, grey walls of Abnegation. I sat down on the edge of the path, my arms rested on the galvanised steel railing. The smooth metal cooled my arms. I turned my arm, only to see that my scars had turned purple, I wasn't overly concerned. Sometimes they were almost unnoticeable, often they were a fleshy pink, almost red, as if they had hardly healed at all since the wound was inflicted. Sometimes they just looked grey, no doubt yearning to return to Abnegation where I could easily hurt myself as much as I liked. In Dauntless it wasn't so easy. 

————————

Tobias and I did end up spending the day together. We sat in his apartment, eating the remontants of food he had in his cupboards, finishing packets of salty, flavourful crisps and a moorish slice of dauntless cake that he had somehow smuggled from the cafeteria into his room. None of which, would have been permitted in Abnegation. We cheered to renouncing our past and our shitty, or dead, families. He brought out a half finished bottle of Vodka that he and Zeke dipped into occasionally.

He told me about his year in dauntless after the faction-less rule was overturned. He hadn't done much, by the sounds of it. He had worked in IT again, renounced the various titles of leader that were pushed his way. He got drunk quite a lot apparently. He told me all about the struggles Uriah had gone through, having lost two friends he had known since infancy, and lost both Christina and I in the process. He had taken to drinking and so they tried to hang around him as much as possible, in order to stop him. We talked late into the night, trying desperately to find any scraps of food in his cabinets until we had left his kitchen thread bare. 

"Do you want to stay here again tonight?" He asked me, noticing the yawn I had attempted to stifle.

"I mean...I would like to, I definitely don't want to sleep in the dorm at least not when..." I had done quite a good job in the last few hours of forgetting about it, how depressingly broken I felt. How I didn't know if I was ever going to recover if I had to see any of them again, which was a matter of when rather than if. "But if you don't want me to stay, Uriah's mum said I could take the spare bedroom in her flat"

"So its settled, you're staying here then" he stated, I rolled my eyes.

"I don't want to be an inconvenience" I replied, concerned that he was letting me stay here out of sympathy alone, and I was an unnecessary annoyance in his life. 

"Trust me Tris, you're not" he whispered, his hands reaching for me and wrapping themselves around my torso. I placed my arms on his back, holding him tighter, crushing him in a hug, not that he seemed to mind. We stayed like that for a while before he moved his lips to press a kiss to my temple. His lips remained there, I don't recall for how long. He made me feel terribly, unsatisfyingly whole just as I remembered. Last year, he was mine to claim. I could relish in the feeling of completeness that came for being around him. Now it was simply an uncomfortable reminder of everything that I once called mine. Everything I had lost in the process of fighting for something, that I now realise, probably wasn't worth fighting for in the first place.


	17. The Winner Takes It all

I saw him again, Jonah. His green eyes shone at me as I made my way into the waiting room for stage two. I looked down, telling myself that he wasn't there, that I was just imagining it. I pushed away the feeling of eyes boring into my head, reading my every thought, claiming my mind as they claimed my body; without consent. I squeezed Christina's hand as I sat next to her, tucking my knees into my chest. I didn't care if it made me look weak, or helpless, or traumatised. I was and there's no shame in that.

I looked up, only for a moment, shocked by the bang of the door next to us, made by new arrivals. He immediately caught my eye. His mouth contorted into a smirk, and he didn't care. The green orbs of his iris glinted with malice and triumph. He had succeeded and I had lost. He had taken what he wanted. He had pushed me down into the lowest form of myself. The innate trust that I had in people, was gone, wiped from my consciousness. He made me worthless. He made me cower before him, as if he was some great ruler, teaching me a lesson, punishing me for being...not his?

I crumbled life a leaf in his presence, in a single moment transforming into the shrinking violet I had vowed never to be. He had won, and what's more he had gotten away with it. There were no repercussions or a response to his actions, even any help for me. Maybe the leaders saw it as brave. Saw it as a sign of strength and mascualinity. Maybe they thought I asked for it. Maybe they thought it was what I wanted, and even if they knew false they didn't care. I was a woman, what else am I for, if not for the enjoyment of men?

I didn't cry. I didn't need to, it wasn't that kind of pain. It wasn't the pain that can be healed by tears, or the release of emotion. This pain needed time, and lots of it. It needed love, that in that moment, I thought I would never deserve. Or even if I did deserve it, I couldn't imagine anyone who would want to give it to me, free of charge or expectation. I had never been an easy person to know, or get along with, even in the days before dauntless, in my grey slacks, holding my mothers hand. Years of being told 'you're not good enough' had affected my persona, and left permanent scars on my soul. But I was ok with that. I had trust, and loyalty and...family. That had been taken, ripped from my reality my brother had betrayed me. Just as they had been so cruelly stolen so had the last comforting parts of my consciousness. In that moment I didn't understand how I could ever learn to love and trust again.

————————

I was snapped out of my silent revery by Tobias sliding the door open at the opposite end of the room. I saw him glare at Jonah, shooting daggers with his eyes. He then looked to me, the expression in his face morphing to concern. I let a small smile cross my lips, ensuring him that I wasn't about to have yet another panic attack. Just as he was about to call the first name of the list, there was a knock at the door, which I thought was odd. Hardly anyone here knocks, unless you are going to someone elses apartment. Given the look on Tobias' face, he also thought it was weird, also shown in the questioning tone of his voice as he called:

"Come in,"

As soon as he let the words slip past his lips the door burst open, revealing a group of armed men, all wearing bullet proof vests. They stormed in, grabbing Jonah and Peter by their arms as they handcuffed them. They had clearly been expecting more resistance from the two boys, now in cuffs across the room, as they had several defensive weapons between them. Jonah and Peter, however, seemed too stunned to speak. 

One of the men was reading a list of rights to them as they were being, arrested? I wasn't sure, I assumed, but I had never seen an arrest, nor a 'policeman' before, as they used to term then in the world before factions. They were hauled out, the men not failing to be rough with them. As they shoved them out of the door, one stayed behind, requesting an audience with Uriah, Christina and I. We looked at each other before filling out of the room, Christina's hand still firmly grasped in mine. He smiled at us as we approached, all 3 of us, though we had suffered through war and peace in this city, were terrified by this muscular man, with tattoos adorning his arms.

"So, as you could probably tell, those two boys have been arrested for the accusation of rape and assault. I understand that it was Christina and Uriah that reported the crime?" He spoke, his voice far softer than I had expected. We nodded, apparently loosing the ability to speak in his precense. 

"There was an anonymous video sent in of the crime, so there is more than sufficient evidence against them. No matter how they plead you will all be required to be present at the trial. You will be put under truth serum and you will give your testimonies then, therefore we have no need for any statement from you" We again nodded, not quite put at ease by the soft tone of his voice. He then turned to me, placing his hand on my upper arm. I flinched slightly, out of instinct rather than my belief that the action was malicious. He withdrew it soon after my reaction. He had clearly noted the worried look on my face as he said "you're Beatrice, right?"

"Yes, sir" I said, my voice slightly shaking as I replied.

"Don't worry. They will be kept in custody in Candour until the trial, and I will do my best to see that they are locked up, far away from you. If you need anything, mental support e.c.t. My office is in the pyre, room 73. Or you can go to the infirmary and request an appointment, given your...history, I'm sure they'd be able to get you an appointment in the hospital in erudite very quickly. Ok?"

"Ok, but what about the others. They didn't...rape me, but they were there watching and they grabbed me...can they be taken into custody?" I asked, anxious for the answer.

"Ill try to do everything I can" he said, a solemn look on his face "but, even with the video evidence, its harder to arrest them because, although they aided they didn't physically do it, none of them touched you in that way. There was a conversation between you all before, am I right" 

I nodded "They threatened me"

"Well that was in an obscure corner, there were no video cameras that caught what happened, so it comes down to the trial and what you say under the truth serum, until then theres nothing I can do, as much as I might want to" 

"Ok." I said, trying to keep myself together for afew more moments as he walked away with a parting wave. I let out a breath that I didn't realise I was holding and leant against the wall, tilting my head back. My hand slipped out of Christina's and I saw Uriah pull her against him, her head laid against his shoulder.

————————

We wandered back into the waiting room. There were only a few people missing, not surprising as the simulations normally took quite a while. I sat back in my seat, no longer in need of Christna's hand in mine for comfort. I felt safer in the knowledge that Jonah and Peter couldn't hurt me, though the twinge of alertness still nagged at the back of my mind in the precense of the other boys who aided.

I was called soon after by Tobias to begin my simulation. His hand pressed into the small of my back as he ushered me into the room, a shiver running up my spine at the contact. As soon as the door shut I was in his arms. I leant my head against his chest, taking deep breath of his scent, something heavy, natrual with hints of sweat and the mint slave he uses on his muscles at night. He took my face in his hands.

"Are you ok?" He asked, scanning my face for marks.

"Yeah. I don't know. It's just oo much. I'm glad they were arrested. But there's gonna be a trial and I'm going to be put under truth serum and..." I trialed off. He seemed to accept that I had no desire to go into it now.

"You ready to?" He said, pointing at the syringe filled with dull blue liquid that stuck to the sides, like wine in a glass when you swirl it around. Tendrils of the liquid spread across the glass, forming paths and veins of the solution. I nodded and he brushed my hair away from my neck. I winced at the slight ache the injection caused, though i wasn't unfamiliar to the pain by now. He kissed my forehead, whispering 'be brave' as my subconscious took over, clouding my reality.

————————

I stood in a corridor. It was dark, too dark. My eyes were adjusted to the dim light, cast only by one fluorescent bulb, flickering on the wall, spread by its plastic cover. I could see shadows coming towards me, men...I thought. I didn't know who they were, or why they were there, I just knew in the pit of my stomach, the natural just knowing feeling, that they couldn't be good. 

One came towards me, a black faceless blob, only defined by its slight advantage fo height over the rest. It came towards me, not stopping as I shouted at it to halt. It took my arms, grabbing me with a beyioind Human strength and then I knew...knew what was going to happen next. I was slammed into the floor. Hands, though not hands, shapeless blobs, blurs groped my chest over my clothes and my trousers were pulled down. 

Dread coursed through my veins. My breathing quickened and I screamed, and kept screaming. But I knew that no one was coming to help me. There was no Tobias or Uriah to save me. I was completely alone. 

"It's just a simulation" I repeated to myself as i felt the burning pain sear through my abdomen, just like before. It didn't matter if it wasn't real, it felt real. I wouldn't remember the actual event, I hoped, or not in great detail but I would remember the dreams and the simulations and all the moments that I ever think about. It felt raw and harsh, and just as bloodcurdlingly terrifying as last time. I brought my head up, then slammed it onto the concrete beneath me. 

————————

I sat ups straight in the chair, gasping, tears spilling uncontrollably down my cheeks. Tobias ran to my side.

"Its ok. Its not real" he said, stroking my hair, I shook him off.

"Don't you see that that doesn't matter? None of its real! The dreams aren't real, the simulations weren't real. But for the last 8 months it has tortured my every waking minute. Thoughts of Erudite and Jeanine, not because of my feelings at the time but because of all feelings since. My mind is killing me! And I can't do it anymore!" I yelled, tears coming of my face and onto my shirt, my words, I have no doubt making it into the ears of curious initiates next door.

He stood back, giving me space not saying a word. "I'm going to dream about this for the rest of my life, it will be plastered in my brain forever, influence every waking thought. And I'm so. Scared." I new wave of emotion hit me and tears continues to stream down my face.

"You can do it though. You've done it before and you'll do it again, just keep going. They have taken so much from you, don't let them take anymore, don't give them anymore of your life. They don't deserve that and neither do you" there was a pause as I thought about what he'd said, my tears stopping momentarily, "c'mon I'll take you back to the apartment" he said, softly. He helped me off of the metal chair and took me out the door, wrapping and arm around me as we walked back to the safety of his apartment.


	18. Wrong end of the tree

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If you're wondering why Tris cries so much, its because a symptom of anxiety, and maybe depression though I'm not positive is feeling tearful, so to try and make her mental illness as real as possible I wanted to make her slightly over emotional. But my point is shes not a wimp because she cries every other chapter, shes been through a lot of sh*t and if anyone deserves to cry its her. But also yay fourtris!!!!!

I was sleeping when he came back in. I had collapsed onto his bed, my feet hanging off of the edge to ensure that the sheets didn't get dirty from my shoes, and fallen into a deep sleep. The heavy emotions caused by the previous hours had taken their toll on me and I was exhausted. The sound of the door slamming woke me up.

"Oh, sorry" Tobia said as he saw me jolt out of my slumber. I shook my head,

"Its fine" I murmured as I rubbed my eyes, trying to get the sleep out of the corners.

"How are you doing?" He walked over to the bed, squatting down next to it so were almost eye level. 

"I'm ok. Better now, I'm sorry I shouted at you, I didn't mean to it was just..." he looked at me, expecting me to finish my sentence "everything." There was a slight pause before he responded.

"Its ok, I don't blame you. I know I'd been kinda smothering you, I'm just worried and..."

"Its not your fault. There's nothing you can do thats gonna change it." I told him, not meeting his eyes.

"Well...I'd like to not make it worse at least."

"That would be good," I agreed, half laughing "but I don't think you need to worry too much about that" I met his eyes. They stared deep into mine, blue and kind and true. I would never have to be scared of being hurt when it as with him. For he would never hurt me, or let anyone else either.

He stood up after a brief moment, offering me a hand to help me off of the bed. 

"Ready for dinner?" He asked as he helped me up. In that moment I realised that I was starving. I nodded, walking towards the door. We made our way to the cafeteria. We laced our fingers together, swinging our hands slightly as we approached the dining hall, letting them go as we entered to find our friends and get food.

————————

Dinner past quickly with the aid of lively conversation and a hearty slice of dauntless cake. My mood had improved by the end of the meal, comforting myself in the fact although the events of the other nigh will haunt my dreams forever, I am still able to not think of, when in the company of those I love. 

Tobias took my hand again after we left, his fingers laced in mine. He ran a finger down my palm, sending shivers up my spine and covering my arms in goose bumps. I wasn't sure where we were going, we weren't going back to his apartment at any rate. It was only when we reached the narrow stairwell near the lower floors that I had any inkling of where we were headed. He forced open the door with some effort and then proceeded to climb over the rocks and huge cubes of concrete stacked against the banks of the river. We sat down on a flat rock, our feet almost touching the surface of the fast water as we sat, side by side, as we had a year ago. The water swirled in mesmerising spirals, flowing and disappearing into the cloudy water below our feet. 

He placed his hand over mine, that rested on the textured rock. It swallowed my small appendage, enclosing it within a wall of flesh. I looked up at him, but he didn't make eye contact with me, preferring to stare numbly at the opposite wall. 

"Tobias?" I asked, after a long while of silence, each of us lost in our own thoughts, connected only by our hands laid over one another. 

"Mhmm" 

"What are we doing? What are...we?" I asked. It had been bugging me for days. He had broken up with me, made it clear that he hated me and then it was almost as if things were back to normal, if normal was ever a luxury I was allowed. It confused me and I needed to know the answer. I had pushed away asking the question, scared of what he might say. I was scared of rejection. Scared of being alone again. Even if I was alone, with his hand over mine, at least I could pretend, once I knew...that was it. We would be over. Or not?

"We are whatever what you want us to be" he said, still not looking at me.

"That's not an answer" I huffed, removing my hand and tuning to properly face him, "you broke up with me. You decided that we couldn't be together. My feelings haven't changed since this time last year, so no its not whatever I want us to be, its whatever you want us to be. I'm tired of these guessing games. I...I feel like all of this" I gestured to his hand "and letting me stay at your place is all out of sympathy, that you don't actually care about me!"

He looked taken aback at my statement. But immediately answered.

"Of coure I want to be with you, I thought it was obvious. I shouldn't have ended things, I don't think what you did with my father, of all people, was right...but I shouldn't have just ended things you weren't" he paused, looking out into the nothingness of the water blow "you weren't trying to hurt me, and I know that now. You needed help and I left you. We both did terrible things in the war, but we were just trying to survive. We were trying to do the right thing. I hope you can forgive me?"

I stared at him open mouthed. "Why are you apologising? I thought I was the one who would have to grovel at your feet. There was nothing to forgive, you had to protect yourself, and I betrayed you, I know what that feels like. Even if protecting yourself meant hurting me, you've had to do it your entire life, I'm just...I'm so sorry I hurt you, I was so caught up in finding the information and I should have focussed on the important thing. You." Tears began to leak out of my eyes again. "Ugh sorry, I don't know why I cry so much, its so pathetic" I half laughed half sobbed. He wrapped his arms around me, almost knocking em off of the rock. 

He grabbed me as I lost my balance and we laughed as he pulled me upright again, my tears discarded on my cheeks, cold and unwanted. 

"No. I think we just need to learn to communicate more effectively. I mean its not surprisingly that we constantly got the wrong end of the stick,"

"Or the tree"

"Or the tree" he agreed, also laughing now "given how we were basically taught how to not communicate and suppress our emotions for 16 years"

I nodded in agreement, still not sure where this left us.

"So..what are we?" I asked.

"Do you want to be...?" He trailed off, his silence saying more than words could. I nodded, looking up at him through my tin Ayer of eyelashes. He smiled, leaning in towards me and looking our lips together. I kissed him back, his hand making their way to my face and shoulder, mine on his chest. It wasn't as awkward as last year, as we both had a great more experience. 

We used to read in books at school, when I was 9 or 10, of it feeling as if fireworks were going off in your mind when you kissed someone. It didn't feel like that, it had never felt like that. I think that it would have felt wrong for it to feel quite that right. It felt natural, and we were connected, finally on the same page, finally back where we were supposed to be.


	19. The other side of the smoke

Tris!" I heard Tobias groan as I shot up from my seat on the chair.

"Yeah?" I asked.

"Are you even trying to stay in the simulations anymore? You stayed in for 30 seconds,if that! They're gonna think I'm faking your results soon." Tobias chided.

The last few sessions hadn't been nearly as bad, only experiencing my lesser fears, crows, drowning in a tank, you know, fun things. None of my family members had made an appearance, which I was quite happy about, and my fear that I had experienced for the first time the other day, hadn't shown up again. I had though, managed to beat the dauntless record for shortest time spent in a simulation...twice. Tobias was growing more and more concerned by the day that I would be thrown over the railing and into the chasm for by blatant divergent aptitude, but I figured that if they hadn't killed me by now, they probably wouldn't try at all. 

———————

"Yes, Tris, come here! I got in! I got in!" I heard Tobias shout from his desk on the other side of the room. He had been trying to crack the Erudite code for weeks now, attempting to find out more about the experiments than the titles. He had now, finally done it.

I rushed over to the computer and he began to look into each of the experiments. They were, as we suspected, all conducted on the 10 missing divergents. They were mostly simulations, attempting to make simulations work on the divergent mind, seeing which combinations of chemicals reacted best, as well as how long the divergent in quesiton could stay within the alternate reality.

There were other, physical tests. On one subject they had impregnated her, to see whether a divergent passes on its DNA to its children. They didn't wait until the baby was born to test it, instead waiting only until the foetus had developed for a month or two, before terminating the pregnancy and doing tests on its brain and DNA. I couldn't process how anyone could do that to a woman, let alone a child. 

They had done tests on another's DNA, changing some of the strands with radiation, knocking out the divergent atoms within the strand of DNA. I didn't understand quite how they had done it, but I didn't need to. A few weeks later he was diagnosed with cancer and executed. The tests that Jeanine had performed on me were horrible, scarring me for, I'm sure the rest of my life, they were inhumaine and inexcusable but this? This was just barbaric. This was dehumanising these innocent people, hurting them physically as well as mentally. Not that I could be surprised after the genocide attempted on abnegation. 

I looked at Tobias, who looked just as sacred as I was.

"We need to get them out" I said immediately. He brought his hand across his forehead, rubbing down the side of his face and sighing. I could see the faint dots of stubble sprouting across his face, and the bags underneath his eyes, signs of the toll finding the information had taken on him.

"But how? We can't just waltz in there and demand to see the divergent they have locked up like guinea pigs" he said, stifling a yawn.

"No but...oh, my brother keeps in contact with Kara. We could ask for her help?"

"Maybe" he looked usure "but can we trust her, I mean your brother is...do you even still talk?"

"No" I said cautiously "but he would give me a way to meet with her if I needed it. He was nice to me over the last 8 months, I just decided I didn't want to be nice back"

He nods, standing from the chair and collapsing onto the bed behind it. Clearly sensing that I had no desire to talk any more about my practically estranged brother.

"We'll talk about it tomorrow. C'mere"

I walked forward, surging into his arms, as I leapt onto the bed, causing the breath to be knocked out of him.

"Oh god...sorry!" I laughed as he coughed and spluttered next to me.

"Its fine" he choked out in between wheezes and pulled me against his chest, stroking my hair. I shut my eyes, letting the peaceful domestic bliss surround me, allowing it to heal my cracked soul before it would be, inevitably torn away, in some way or another.

We lay in each others arms until we fell into a deep, blissful sleep. The crime committed against me last week still played at the back of my mind on an infinite loop but, I had learned to shut out, close off that part of my mind, for I couldn't see what dwelling on it for too long would achieve. At last I felt, somewhat, at peace. It was the first time since the loss of my parents that I could see the other side. The other side of my grief and longing that clouded my vision and prevented me from seeing the true potential of what I had and who I could be. I could see through my cloudy past and...it didn't seem so bad. After a year of telling myself that I would rather be dead than here, it was an odd thought to get my head around, that is wanted to be here, that I didn't want to die. That I finally had a reason to stay.


	20. The Trial

Candour headquarters looked the exact same. Hardly anything had changed since the first time I had stepped into the marble foyer maybe 1 year ago. There were a few scratches on the floor, scuffing the tiles below my feet, and some holes in the walls, a reminder of the conflict that took place here. Two security guards were standing by the doors, part of an exchange program with dauntless.

They took me to a waiting room, plain white with black lino flooring. It was cold and empty, bare apart from one wooden chair in the corner of the room. The gaurds had instructed me to wait, as if I was about to go elsewhere and had left, leaving me alone in the small space.

I tired to suppress my nerves, repeating the words Tobias had whispered to me before my departure: 'be brave', under my breath. I shut my eyes, claiming the last moments of calm before the storm that was the trial. I was taken from the room, escorted by an honour of guards as I made my way up to the hall used for the trial.

The chair had been replaced, a replica stood in the middle, wooden, innocent, with no knowledge of the secrets told within this room. The judge at the trial read out some legal information, I tried to listen, to my rights, to the things I could and couldn't do, but...my mind was focussed on other things. Other secrets I had told in this room. Soon a man was coming towards me with a needle in hand, I stopped him, choosing to plunge the thin piece of metal into my neck myself. The point where it struck flesh stung, the fluid creating a deep, dull ache throughout my body, numbing my mind and my mouth as the serum took hold. 

It was easier to resist this time, not that I needed to. I had nothing to hide. I told my story, what had happened, what had led up to Thomas's actions, the role of Peter in the crime as well as the other boys. Eventually, we got to the questions.

"Miss Prior, it is true that you were diagnosed with anxiety and PTSD, with symptomatic depression 5 months ago?"

"Yes" I said, my voice sluggish and slow, though I have never felt words so desperate to leave my mouth. The man questioning nodded slightly, smiling to himself.

"And, you attempted suicide in February of this year?" He asked, a smirk appearing on his face.

I nodded, "yes?" Not sure where he was going with this line of questioning.

"There has been some speculation among the initiates of your faction that you have been trying to attract attention since the start of initiation. They say you storm out of training sessions, have 'panic attacks' and that you have refused to complete a fight before. Is this true?"

"Well..." I began

"Miss prior. Are these accusations true or false?"

"True but" 

"Ok then Miss Prior, it is then not beyond the bounds of possibility that you are simply accusing these boys of rape for attention, is it? Considering your past with mental health, it is not out of the question at all."

"Excuse me?" I asked, stunned by his argument "I have never done any of those things for attention, they were all!" I shout. The man turns towards the judge

"I rest my case your honour" and bows out.

I was then released from the chair, grabbed by security guards and taken back to the small waiting room, before I could even get within 10 metres of that evil man.

I sat in the cold room, my knees hunched up to my chest, not daring to cry in front of the guards. I didn't want their pity, or, which would be worse, their anger. I stared into space, letting the lines between the flawless white and black blur into grey. Letting my world fade into one mass, unidentifiable. I couldn't stop quesiotns from circling around in my head, what had I said, what had I done? What if I had led them on? What if....what if....?

————————

I had fallen asleep in the room. I was awoken by the slam of the door opposite me. Across from me stood 5 dauntless security guards. Their arms were crossed, guilty and forlorn looks on their faces. The one at the front of the small group grabbed me, not roughly, by my arms, forcing me to stand. He looked at me for a moment before unhooking the handcuffs from his belt.

"Beatrice Prior, you are under arrest for obstruction of justice"


	21. Deja Vu

I don't remember what the guard said after those fateful words left his lips. My head span, my arms and legs moving automatically, holding out my scarred wrists for them to handcuff, with little knowledge of what was happening around me. I was silent, complying with whatever they wanted me to do, emptying my pockets, removing my gun. They also took the laces off of my shoes, the belt from my black jeans. I did all this with no complaint, I was still processing what had happened, how? How could I be in jail for a crime committed against myself?

I stayed silent until i arrived outside of the cell they were taking me to. Then all hell broke loose.

My mind was flooded with long forgotten images, memories pushed down so far I didn't know if they were real or not: Gaurds punching me as I thrashed, trying to stop the needle from being pushed into my flesh. I remembered the sleep deprived mindset, craving food and water, my mouth dry from the long absence of saliva. I remembered waiting, almost wishing for death. The days of simulation after simulation, not sure how to separeate the worlds created in my mind from reality. I suppose i didnt really need to. In whatever version i was living in, it was still a nightmare.

I struggled against the gaurds, these images invading every semi coherent thought. I tried to keep clam, but I couldn't. All I could remember or think about was Jeanine, her cruel words, the experiments...my mother. The fear. I didn't want to die, I don't want die, not then not now.

"Please no. You can't take me back there!" I screamed at the gaurds, taken aback by my sudden change in demeanour, "PLEASE YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND! PLEASE" I screamed, my voice hoarse and cracking as I yelled at the top of my voice. Pure panic filled me, the instinct to run from this taking over my mind and body. However, the gaurds were too strong and I was forced into the cell. It was basically identical to the one I once slept in in Erudite. I slumped against the door, beating my fists against the glass and screaming and shouting, for someone, anyone to let me out.

I tucked my head into my knees, rocking back and forth, trying desperately to control my breathing.

————————

3rd person perspective

The gaurds stood outside the door, wide eyed. They had no idea how this quiet girl had changed so quickly, how sporadically she had gone from silent and subdued to a thrashing animal, struggling against their strong grip.

They watched her bang on the glass of the door, her forehead pressed below her thumping fist. The screams coming from her mouth were practically inhuman, terrifying, even to the burly dauntless gaurds, who had seen their fare share of gruesome things while in their own faction, let alone in the war.

"Jesus Christ" one of the men said eventually "that poor girl, she can't have...they must have got something wrong...right?"

The other gaurd just nodded, turning his back on the hysterical girl 5 feet away from them as their supervisor shouted at them from down the corridor. Chiding them for not controlling the girl now Locke behind closed doors.

———————

Tris's PoV

I was allowed a phone call, they explained to me later that day, after I had calmed down a little. It wasn't much help to me, I didn't know how to use one. We didn't own a phone in Abnegation, the only one was in the main building, where my father worked. I would have asked him about it, but I wasn't meant to ask questions. It seemed to me a very pointless piece of technology. I had never felt the need for one up until now, and I was sure I never would again. But...it was all I had, so I may as well use it as not.

The woman in front of me in the queue to the phone explained to me how it worked, you had to put a credit or two into the machine and then dial the number you wanted, though I had no idea which number I needed to reach Tobias. You then spoke into the phone. It didn't seem too complicated. However, that didn't stop the crawling nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach from re-emerging as i reached the booth. I did as the woman instructed, then froze. I didn't know any phone numbers, as far as I knew Tobias didn't have one. So I looked at the card on the wall, it had a list of 'institutional numbers' which seemed to be the numbers of every job subcect in the city. I traced my finger down the line, stopping at 'Dauntless' and then again at Control Room'.

I had been allowed to know the time, a luxury compared to the treatment under lock and key in erudite, it was 5.30, meaning that Tobias would now be on duty in the control room. If I called the phone in there...I might be able to get a hold of him. It seemed as good a plan as I had access to, and so I dialled in the number, checking twice before I hit the hash key and held the receiver up to my ear.

I soon heard someone on the other line.

"Control room, how can I help?" Said a loud voice, thick and slightly husky, no doubt from the copious consumption of alcohol, that was common amongst older dauntless men.

"Can I speak to To-Four?" I whispered down the phone, not quite sure the level at which I should be talking.

"Huh?"

"Can I speak to four?" I repeated, a little more forcefully. 

"Uh sure?" I heard, before the line went dead. There was a slight scuffling from the other line, but nothing more for a few minutes, when I heard Tobias speak down the line.

"Uh...Hi?"

"Tobias" I choked, tears springing into my eyes, for some unknown reason.

"Tris?" Asked frantically "what's wrong? Why aren't you back?"

"They...they thought I was lying" I sobbed into the phone, trying to keep my gasps small and quiet so as not to disturb others on the phone "I don't know what happened, they won't tell me anything. I've been arrested for obstruction of justice" I gushed, holding the phone impossibly close to my ear. I heard nothing, silence. "Tobias? I didn't I swear, I didn't know...I didn't lie I wouldn't" I whispered down the pone, startled at his silence.

"Hey, hey" he soothed "it's ok. I'm coming down to Candor right now ok? I'm going to bring Uriah and Christina too. It's going to be fine, you didn't do anything wrong. It'll be a misunderstanding ok?" He told me, though it felt as if he was comforting himself more than me.

"Yeah but.." I stuttered "theres a cell and I can't"

"Yes you can"

"No you don't understand" I gasped "I can't. It's too much like...and I can't breathe and I'm going to die when they put me back in there. Please don't make me go back in there!" I cried, spilling tears into the receiver.

"I'm coming ok? Everything will be ok. I'llbe there-" and then the call cut off. I put the receiver down onto the stand with a heavy clatter. Somehow I stumbled out of the cubicle, a glazed look taking over my features. My hands were cuffed as they led me back down the hallway to my cell. Dread seeped into every coherent thought, it felt as if I was being taken to my execution all over again.

My body didn't wait for the panic to set in. All my blood drained inwards, towards my organs, causing my head to roll back and collapse into the arms of the gaurds leading me down the hallway.

————————

The next time I woke I heard shouting. It came from outside of the room I was in, goose bumps snuck up my arms, the cold seeping under the thin blanket around me. I curled further in on myself, trying to conserve all the warmth I could. Soon I was shivering uncontrollably, clutching at my arms, rubbing them to still and kind of warmth back into them. My head began to throb at the movement, and I felt as if I was floating, moving on my static bed. I seemed to rise above the cot I was in and swayed from side to side as I drifted into a dream like state. The noise outside increased and I shot up,, the pain in my head increasing tenfold.

I looked up and around my room, and suddenly my mind was flooded with images once again. I shut my eyes, not daring to take another peak at my surroundings, just in case what I feared was a reality. In the dark world I was now ensconced in, I pretended that I was back in Tobais' apartment, and that all of this had been a terrible dream - a nightmare.

That daydream ended with the shouting outside of my door. I couldn't make out who it was, and so I turned to look through my glass window as I heard the door pop from outside, letting someone in. Soon I saw Tobias striding through the large wooden door, the vein on his temple throbbing and a murderous look on his face. As soon as he saw me his expression softened, and he walked over to my bed.

"Are you okay?" He asked

"yeah, yeah" I nodded, distracted by the information that he might have on what had happened to cause me to be arrested "Do you know what happened?" I asked

"Ill explain when we get home, c'mon we're getting out of here. You're free"

I was slightly put out by his refusal to tell me what happened to ME. But I was too tired to argue with him about it. He helped me from the bed, the pain in my head resurfacing and I swayed, holding onto his arm for support.

"Do you need help?" He asked. I simply shook my head, striding (with some difficulty) towards the door and waiting for the outside guard to unlock it.


	22. Distant

The journey home was long and tiring. The wind was blowing hard against me as I ran on weak legs towards the train. Tobias had helped me into the carriage, but he was off handed about it. He didn't touch me the entire way home, he said nothing to make me think that he was angry, I just...knew. He breathed heavily through his nose, huffing at some invisible enemy. I almost started to wonder if I had done something wrong, if I had deserved to be locked up.

Back in his apartment I demanded to know the truth:

"What happened?" I questioned, sitting down on the sagging sofa, that lay against the wall adjacent to his front door. He sighed, sitting down on one of the dining chairs opposite me. I looked at him impatiently, awaiting my answer, "Well?" I said, forcefully.

He rubbed his hand over his eyes and down his face, finally resting on his cheek, supporting the weight of his head.

"Jonah is Divergent" he said eventually, though this didn't clear anything up for me.

"Ok? So?" I huffed.

"So he can lie under truth serum. He told the judge that you could lie under truth serum becuase you are divergent."

I was still confused, while it explained how everything had become so confused, it didn't tell me why I had been arrested, however, by the look on his face I decided not to urge him on and let him continue with the story.

"He said that you had spent a lot of time together and that you had told him about your interrogation last year. He said that you had told him you were able to lie under truth serum. He told them that you made advances on him and after he rejected you, you claimed that you had been raped by him and one of his friends who had rejected you the year before"

"But.." I tailed off, trying to process the information. How could he have done such a thing? How could he have been such a powerful divergent and I not have noticed?

"I know" Tobias sighed "they ignored the statements made by both Uriah and Christina, two reliable witnesses, and decided that he was telling the truth. After you called me I went down with them to Candour, they were...unhelpful. It is apparently very hard to get a re-trail" he rolled his eyes at the memory of yesterday's events. 

"So how did you get me out?"I asked impatiently.

"I had to tell them about Jonah, send them the proof from the simulations, they gave him an aptitude test and he came out as divergent, as if the dauntless simulations didnt prove that" he rolled his eyes, standing up form his seat and packing back and forth for a little while "But, I mean, it didn't rule out the fact that you could still be lying so they had to interrogate Christina too."

"Not Uriah?" I questioned. He shook his head

"No, divergent remember. They couldn't use him as a viable witness."

I nodded, trying to get the story straight in my head.

"So they accepted the story in the end?"

"Yeah" he let out a huge sigh as he sat down on the chair once again "Jonah has been arrested, Peter too but..."

"But?"

"Not the other boys. Christina didn't get a good look at them you see so its really your word against theirs"

I nodded, the blissful feeling of freedom fading a little knowing that I would have to face a few of my rapists once again tomorrow.

"But I'm free?" 

He nodded, a small smile spreading across his face, "you're free"


	23. Sleeping around?

I woke to the sound of Tobias' alarm, and the huge sigh he let out as he slowly removed his arm from around my shoulder and got out of bed. I left my eyes shut for a while, breathing deeply before I opened them, letting the light temporarily stun me. I didn't allow my mind to drift to the events of the past, it was too early to dwell on that.

I sat up, watching Tobias walk round the flat, carrying out his morning routine and preparing the coffee he drank each day. His face always tightened as he drank the bitter liquid, as if he didn't like the taste, or as if he had ordered it with 3 sugars and got none. I figured that he didn't like it, simply drank it in order to rebel against abnegation values, and his father, even if he had left the faction and the custody of his parents. The small everyday acts that disregard the abnegation way of life and their manifesto still, even after 3 years, seemed to seep into his life, controlling every moment, and thought, a constant rebellion agains yourself and your nature.

He noticed me as I sat up, making his way over to sit down on my side of the mattress.

"You don't have to get up today. You can have a day off, you certainly deserve it after...everything" he said, his hand resting on my thigh.

"Yeah" I sighed, wiping my eyes with the back of my hand "but I've missed 2 sessions already...I can't miss another today."

"It's fine" he said "you're so much faster than the others that we can do four fears in the session tomorrow so you don't miss out. It would also make the others think you were taking longer, make you less of a target?"

"I suppose...but I don't care about being a target anymore. They can't hurt me anymore than they already have. The only way they could is by...but they don't know about us" I relented, my hand reaching up to comb through his hair, landing on his clean shaven chin. I pulled his mouth down to mine, claiming his lips in a kiss. We sat there for a moment, in a silent revery, still both of us were unaccustomed to this kind of intimacy. Eventually we broke apart, now both hands rested on me gently caressing the material of my shirt. He nodded in understanding, not saying anything for a minute, contemplating my words and our actions.

"Well, its your decision" he said as he walked away into the bathroom, departing with a peck on my lips.

———————

I walked down to breakfast wiht a disgruntled Tobias. He had wanted me to stay home and rest but I had refused - not wanting to wallow in my own self pity and bad memories for any longer than I already had. He dropped my hand before we entered the dining hall, leaving me with a small shake of his head, accompanied by a smile as he made his way over to Zeke. 

I walked over to Christina and Uriah, who were only afew benches away. They grinned as I came up, standing to hug me and tell me how glad they were that I was back. They also scolded me for not taking more time to rest, Uriah bitterly muttering that if I didn't take more time off he wouldn't make it to first in the rankings. I laughed at his joke, rolling my eyes as christina turned the conversation aorund to a new boy she ha her eye on. Things felt blissfully normal as I tried to block out the memories of the past weeks, the past hours even.

————————-

After our meal we made our way to the training room, stopping first in the transfer's dorm so that Christina could grab some things she had forgotten to retrieve before breakfast. I sat on my old bunk as she rummaged aorund in her chest, throwing old T-shirt's and leggings with large tears onto the floor.

"C'mon stop making a mess!" I teased as she huffed in annoyance, not being able to find the lipstick she had bought the other day wiht the last of her monthly credits. She rolled her eyes as made a move to stand up jsut as I heard a snort from the other side of the room. Both of our heads turned towards the soie, Christina's already set frown only deepening further at the sound.

"What?" Chris asked, looking over to the girl, origionally from erudite sitting in one of the bunks away from us.

"Well..." she began "I don't seee why she cares. She's never here anymore anyway"

"So? So what if I'm not here?" I asked, stunned at her bravado 

"Oh nothing...its just... I thought abnegation girls weren't supposed to sleep around" she replied, picking at the dirt in her nails, before looking up to see our expressions morph from slight irritation to offence.

"She doesn't sleep around" Christina said calmly

"That's not what I heard. Where is she then at night? Sleeping in the pit? In t he chasm? Not likely...shes clearly out wiht some guy. Four most likely. Sleeping with the trainer to get ahead? Good plan.i should try it myself, though I'm sure he wouldn't stop to look at you for a minute after being with me"

At that statement Christina charged at her, I was barely able to restrain her as she fought to get her hands on the tall girl in front of us, now sniggering as I stopped christina form charging further. 

"Its not worth it chris" I chided as I relinquished my hold. 

"She can't say shit like that!" Christina shouted as the girl, Tanya as I later learned, walked away, presumably making her way towards the fear landscape room.

"I know. But it doesn't matter, I don't care what she thinks" I said "and to be honest I don't want to go into the real reason I don't sleep in the dorms any longer. The less I think about that, the better, ok?"

"And you" I directed at the girl in front of us "shut up. You don't know what you're talking about and even if I was sleeping round, I don't see how that is any of your business to be honest. So keep your filthy erudite nose out of my life"

The girl looked stunned at my outburst and I strode out with Christina by my side, her lipstick left forgotten on the floor.

———————-

"Are you sure?" Tobias asked, before he plunged the syringe into the side of my neck "you can go and rest tif you want, you can catch up later in the week. I promise that it won't affect your rank"

I didn't dignify hi quesiton with an answer, simply rolling my eyes and taking maters into my own hands. I trapped the syringe from his hand and stuck it into my neck, wincing slightly at the pain and laying back against the cold metal. I felt warm lips against my temple and some inaudible words whispered into my ear before I was out cold.


	24. In the eyes of another

I stood in Tobias's apartment. Light shone through the large windows, illuminating the mural on the far wall: fear god alone. I looked towards the door, and 3 figures appeared, blurry at first but soon becoming clear. Tobias, Uriah and Christina stood in front of me, their faces blank. Expressionless.

Simultaneously they turned, heading towards the door.

Panic flooded my nervous system. My legs started to tremble at their sudden movement, becuase I knew, I knew, that they weren't leaving for a few hours or days or weeks but forever, I would never see them again.

"Stop!" I shouted, my voice breaking as I pushed my vocal chords to their limits, trying to control my sobs that had emerged from my throat.

"Goodbye Tris." Tobias said in monotone, not even pausing to turn around. They formed a line and filed out of the apartment. 

Just as they were about to slam the door I screamed: "wait!" They turned in their line, Tobias facing me, the others greeted by the back of the former's head, "why?" I asked, my voice quiet. 

I was given no verbal answer. There was no shouting, nor any harsh words thrown my way. Instead each raised up their arm in turn, Uriah first. As his hand reached the height of Christina's shoulder my vision went blank.

Instead of standing in the apartment I was now at the bottom of the pit, watching from afar as 3 figures slowly made their way to the top of a crevice. I could make out 2 figures running up the side, in an attempt to help them. I made out...myself?

As I reached the top I paused, as the other figure stopped to grab the one on the far left I leapt to the right, grabbing the small boy. The person in the middle jumped...they hit the ground...they were dead...and I knew. This was that dreadful day, that haunts my dreams, but from Uriah's view. I could have saved her...but I didn't. My friend, I let her down. I let Uriah down. It was a wonder he could still bear to look at my face.

My vison cleared, and I arrived back in the apartment, only to be greeted by christna's raised arm. This time I was met with frantily changing memories. The trial at candor, as I confessed to the murder of her boyfriend. The day I shot him. The day I left for erudite? 

Had I even thought about her before i left? I hadn't stopped for a moment to dwell on how it may have affected her. Al had committed suicide. I had killed Will and now, I was going to leave her all alone. I had left her, without one thought for her sanity. 

How could I have done that? Betrayed her trust yet again? I knew how horrendous it was to be the one that survived...and yet I would subject her, my so-called 'best friend'. To that misery? To that fate? It was too much to bear.

Finally I saw Tobias's hand raised. His 'explanation' took the longest. Every time I hand worried him, disappointed him. Broken his heart. Flashed before Emmy eyes. 

The final scene was in the lab at Erudite. His vison shone red as he told me that he was through. My face contorted before me and i reached out to him, a futile string of words hung on the tip of my tongue as he shook me off. The poor useless excuse for a girl crumpled to the ground, her arm being held up by Uriah and he turned away.

I understood.

I was not worth staying for.

How could I be?

They were leaving, as was their right, and I would have to stay behind, content with the memories of disappointment fresh in my mind.

They tuned once again filing out of the room as my breaths quickened. I was no longer scared. How could I be scared of something that had happened. Instead I was angry, not at any of them, or angry that they had left me. I was angry at myself. Angry that I had allowed myself to take advantage of them, use them like pawns in my cruel game. I had pushed aside as I acted under the umbrella of 'selflessness' and tossed them away when I was no longe rain need of them. 

I let out a scream, inhuman, a noise that I wasn't aware I was making until I heard it echo off of the empty walls. My vision grew brighter, as if someone was turning the exposure up too high. I grew blind, blind to all but the white that clouded my vison, deaf to all but the shrieks from my mouth.

My mind was racing, my thoughts unable to stop swirling in my head, the ones I was so used to pushing down and quieting. The thoughts that I had dealt with for an entire childhood in abnegation. As thoughts of my old family life rose to the surface, my mind raised to a boil, something broke. I flipped a switch and I was out of the simulation.


	25. Broken

As I woke I saw sparks flying off of the monitor in the corner of the room. Tobias was violently cursing, hitting the base of the machine with his fist. Realising I was awake he then turned to me,

"Tris?" He asked anxiously "are you ok?"

"Yeah?" I replied, slightly confused "why wouldn't I be? What happened to the monitor?"

He glanced at me for a second before replying, "I have no idea"

At my clearly puzzled look he continued

"You were in the simulation, we were walking up and you asked why and we put up our hands and left. Then you began to cry and then scream and somehow, I assume, you shut down the system"

I stared at him blankly.

"Come again" I replied

"You got mad and decided to blow up my computer" Tobias replied, with the smallest glint of a smirk on his face.

"And" he continues "I think oyu might have a record on your hands. You were only in there for 30 seconds. The shortest time I've ever heard of is a minute 12"

I yawned and stared at the floor, still processing everything. I then looked up at him and asked:

"So when you raised your hands you didn't see anything?"

"No" he replied "I did think it was a wierd fear, nothing really happened"

I then burst into tears, leaning into his arms as he leapt up from his chair and over to where I sat, perched on the edge of the metal bed. He didn't say anything, letting me cry into his shoulder as he rubbed the small of my back.

"What happened?" He asked eventually. I shook my head, not ready to talk about it yet - or ever.

"You have to promise me" I whispered, looking at him int he eyes.

"Anything" he replied, staring into my no doubt bloodshot iris' 

"Promise you won't leave me" I murmured, not quite confident in his answer.

"I wont leave you" he said, his eyes full of regret. Regret for what, I couldn't tell you. Maybe for the events in erudite almost a year ago. Maybe for the insults we had thrown at one another. But I think that he knew, even then, that he wouldn't be able to keep his promise. He knew that it was a pipe dream. He knew that no matter what we did, or said, or tried to bring to light, the rest of the world didn't care, and that they would just continue to drag us apart.

——————-

Tobias had to report the incident in my sim. Conscious of the increasing risk to divergents we didn't disclose everything, just that there had been a glitch and that the equipment in the simulation department would need to be replaced. Thankfully, few questions were asked. I assumed that because of dauntless being underground, computer malfunctions were common, due to the pressure, or the leaks I often saw in the corridors, spewing water out of one crevice or another. 

I tried not to think about the new fear, hoped that it was just a figment of my fatigue, that perhaps my brain had gone into over drive and that it had caused the unusual simulation. I ignored the part of myself that knew it wasn't irrational, knew it was genuine and here to stay, until I had worked through my clear abandonment issues or...until I forgot. Forgot the pain in the pit of your stomach, and the nausea endured by knowing that someone you loved chose to leave you. Chased you out of their life, and that you were alone.


	26. Truth Willout

I don't remember the next few days very well. They seemed to blur into one, like dreams. I was unable to separate one event from another. I felt disconnected from reality, as if I wasn't living, just drifting through time, waiting for breakfast and lunch and dinner and then sleep, only to repeat it all the next day. Tobais had clearly noticed that something was up, but he didn't say anything, preferring to leave me to my thought for the time being. 

We sat next to each other at the breakfast table, me stag off, contemplating a particularly interesting part of the concrete wall, him conversing wiht Uriah and Zeke. He noticed my zoned out expression, and his hand snuck into mine, linking our fingers together. I was suddenly snapped form my daze but he feeling, and though I didn't dare look at him, as to raise suspicion, a smile crept onto my face, seemingly out of the blue to an onlooker.

Christina gave me a quizzical look, and as her eyes flicked between Tobias she smirked, quietly, subtly into her plate of scrambled eggs. As she grinned she whispered something into Uriah's ear, who immediately peered, a lot less subtly under the table. He then abruptly stopped the conversation still going on between Tobias and Zeke in order to announce the news. My face. Had already contorted into a frown, before he even began to speak.

"Tris? Four? Anything to tell us?" He asked.

I only shook my head smiling, as I squeezed Tobias' hand. Tobias look suitably confused, as he hadn't seen the earlier interaction.

"No?" He spoke again "alright then, I guess i'll have to ask then why you're holding hands under the table?"

A rosy blush floated onto my cheeks as I stared at Tobias.

"Uhh well.." he said, scratching th back of his neck wiht his free had as he held mine tighter "We got back together" he looked at me with those huge blue eyes, as if asking for permission to tell. 

Christina smiled "I knew it, I knew it, I knew you wouldn't be able to keep your hand off of each other for long!"

My face then transformed form a rosy pink to beet red, "Christina!" I half whispered half shouted, and then promptly turned my attention back to my food. The rest of our friends made exited chatter.

"When did it happen?"

"How?"

"Why didn't I hear about this before Tris?"

"It was before the trial" Tobias confessed "and before you go spreading this about Uriah, we want it to be private for now ok? I don't want it to jeopardise Tris' score in initiation"

Uriah raised his hand in oak offense "I am insulted Four that you think I would do something like that"

We all laughed, the conversation turning back to fights and news, erudite and all the plans we had for after initiation.


	27. Futility

We were just finishing breakfast when Tobias looked down at me and smiled. He then let go of my hand and stood, standing in the middle of aisle splitting the rows of tables. 

"Right all initiates follow me!" he shouted into the large room, silence falling over the crowd "we're making our way up to the pyre" 

He began making his way to the exit. We all got up, following, christina grabbing my hand and squeezing as we did so. Tobias had stopped at the door, observing a few of the initiates still eating.

"Now! I won't wait" he turned and exited, Uriah raising his eyebrows at me, I shrugged.

——————

We weaved our way through the dauntless compound until we reached the stage 3 training room. Tobias stood next to one of the cubicles in which we would complete the task. Lauren stood on the other side, flicking a needle full of blue fluid to release any air bubbles. 

"Right today we will be moving onto stage 3. In the actual test, held in front of the entire faction, you will be facing all, or potentially more, of the fears that you saw in stage 2. However doing that today would take too long, and would make the final assesment too easy. So today you will be doing one of Lauren's fears." Four stated.

He turned to Lauren. 

"I will be splitting you into 10 groups, you will take turns going through the cubicle. While last year we told you what the fear was going to be, this year will be random, this will help replicate the final assesment. After your group has finished you're free to go" she instructed.

She then went around numbering us so that there were 3 or 4 of us in each group. Christina and I headed to the 6th cubicle. The simulation receptor would be self administered so we began to assemble the needles and the electrical equipment. One of the dauntless borns wanted to go first so we injected him and put the pads onto his forehead. He was clearly facing come embarrassing task, as his face turned beet red almost as soon as the sim started.

Christina laughed as tears began to drip down his face. I jabbed her in the ribs, barely able to contain a laugh myself. It felt good to laugh, freeing. In a way like what happened might not fill every corner of my mind forever. Little by little I can push it away into a corner, opening it only when I feel ready. 

Christina decided to go next, giving me a slight smirk as the poor boy walks out and goes to rejoin his friends. I set up her sim and watch her enter. She was struggling against something, I couldn't quite tell what, but by her heart rate and breathing and distinct lack of screaming I could assume that it wasn't moths. She made good time, walking out after only 5 minutes, sweat coating her brow and with a smug smile on her face.

"Beat that stiff" she said jokingly 

"I could so that in my sleep" I boasted confidently, smiling an equally simpering smile back at her. She helped me to set up and when I entered the cubicle I injected the serum, deep into my neck. 

I entered the simulation and I found myself on one of the paths near the pit. Dread seeped into my stomach, twisting the age old knot that lay there, no longer dormant. I saw two black clothed figures coming towards me and everything seemed to slow. My hands came up and away from my body and suddenly I was inside a glass box. I could feel the water trickling over my feet. This was my fear. The fear i'd had since stage 2 last year. The water began to rise. This shouldn't be happening, this was my fear, I was in Lauren's landscape. I looked back at them and the two men were hammering on the glass. Just as my heart rate began to pick up I slammed my hands against the glass panes, breaking them into shards, razor sharp bullets firing into the ravine below. The force sent the two men tumbling down glass hitting them in the chest and it was over. 

I woke up in the cubicle, my hands still stretched out in front of me. I stared at them. I came out Christmas had a frown on her face.

"Its not fair you only got a minute 27" she whined, following after me as I made my way out of the room.

I nodded absently, not focusing on what she was saying. I knew that divergents were aware in simulations but everyone was aware in the stage 3 ones. What I hadn't realised is that we could morph our fear landscapes into whatever we wanted. 

"Do you know if it was recorded?" I asked chris, interrupting her as she had been ranting about something as we walked around the compound. There was a slight frown on ther face but she answered me anyway.

"No I don't think so, well they might have been but we didn't enter our names so if they were they wouldn't know who it was" she explained. 

We were near Tobias' apartment by this point and I tried to brake off from her. 

"I'm tired, I'm gonna go and get some rest" I muttered, turning towards the corridor on the left.

"Tris" she said, catching my hand as I turned away "people have started to talk"

I stared at her, not making eye contact

"You know about..." she trialed off

"Yeah I know" I sighed "but you know right? That I would never get special treatment because me and four are..."

"Yeah I know, its not me you should be worried about" she said, staring at me with those pleading eyes

"I don't care what the others say then. And besides I don't want to go back to the dorm, I'm just scared. I wouldn't be able to sleep after what happened, you know? There with him I feel safe, I know its stupid and maybe slightly patriarchal, have a. 'Man' protect me but I just feel better if I'm there with him" I said, staring out towards a neon sign just behind her head, lighting her up in some kind of dauntless ethereal glory.

She nodded, "yeah I get it" she slid down the wall behind her, dragging me with her. We collapsed into a pile of bones and sinew. Our legs tangled together, tightly wound around each other. She wrapped her arms around me and I put my head onto her chest, 

"You know it'll be a year soon" she continued. I squeezed her that little bit tighter. A year since...well the nightmares began. 

"I'm so sorry. Chris. I - if I could trade his life for mine i hope you know he'd be here now" 

———————-

It was only after, when I lay in bed that night with Tobias's arms around me that I realised the futility of that statement. I had, of course, had the opportunity to trade his life for mine, and I refused it, and now will is dead. Yet I'm still here, living and laughing as if all that pain I caused is gone. The darkness sees to crowd in on me and as much as I want to lie awake a while longer, wallowing in the ever present guilt of my mind, sleep pulls me into its arms and my eyes close.

——————-

The next morning when I woke up, tobias was already up. He was just finishing int he bathroom when I made it out of bed. He smiled at me and leant down, brushing his lips against mine.

"Good morning" he whispered against my ear as he pulled our bodies against each other. 

"Good morning" I repeated. I then remembered my conversation with Christina last night and I looked up at him.

"What is it?" He asked a frown forming over his features.

"Well...yesterday Christina said that some of the initiates had been saying thing about the fact that I'm never in the dorm anymore and I just..."

"Do you want to move back?" He asked, letting go of me slightly and a betrayed hurt growing in his eyes. 

"No!" I said quickly "I just wanted to make sure I wasn't....I don't know? Overstaying my welcome I suppose"

He pulled me back towards him, kissing the top of my head.

"You will always be welcome here okay? And if you do want to move back thats fine, I wont mind, but I'd love for you to stay" he murdered against my hair.

I smiled a little, hidden against his chest.


	28. The plan

We practiced the next day, going through Lauren's fears yet again. This was the last day before the final test. I was ready, I was sure of that if nothing else. The other fear of Lauren's I faced was relatively tame. She was obviously afraid of heights, as was Tobias, and she was pushed of a roof. True to my from, I loved it.

——————————

I was dozing on the bed when Tobias came into the apartment. He placed a hand on my waist, shaking me gently. 

"Hey" he smiled, staring down at me.

"Hey" I whispered, turning slightly to get a better look at him. 

His face was flushed, sweat on his brow from the training he'd been doing in the gym with Zeke.

"C'mon" he said, standing and holding out a hand to me, "I have a plan".

I came and stood next to him, both of us staring intently at his computer screen. It showed a map of the city, Tobias zoomed in over the erudite sector. 

"So we need to get in" he began.

"To get the data about the divergents" I continued

"Exactly, but I wasn't sure how we'd get in. I mean its like Fort Knox. There's always people around, even in the early hours of the morning there are still many doing experiments, studying, or whatever else they do at that time in the morning"

I nodded, not quite sure where he was going with this.

"But I hacked into their database. I found out where their physical information storage room is. Its basically full of electric storage units. Any experiment or data, no matter how small or big is downloaded into those systems"

"So why can't we access it from here"

"It can only be accessed from the computer within the room, you have to get special permission to use it"

"But then how do people add their data to it?" I asked, now suitably confused.

"Oh, you can add to it from any computer. I could add in a file from here. You're just not allowed to see other files within the database. Those can only be accessed from the main computer within erudite. I'm hoping that more information of the divergents will be there" he finished.

"Ok..." I said, processing the information "so how are we getting in?" 

"Well...thats the tricky bit. There are gaurds posted outside, they're dauntless ones too, apparently we have an agreeemnt with them to supply gaurds if we get first dibs on new medicines, treatments, technology, whatever we want"

I look at him expectantly and he continues

"There'll have to be some kind of diversion. We'll both be dressed in erudite clothing, so as not to draw attention to ourselves. One of us will enter through a side door close to where the lab is. They will create a diversion, I was thinking smoke bombs and shooting, I can get some rock salt bullets. They'll hurt but they're not going to kill anybody. This should draw out the dauntless gaurds. Then the other will scale the wall and enter through the window, there are only alarms if you enter through the door, download any relevant files and then get out."

He seemed to have finished so I ask the question thats been burning my tongue since he started his explanation.

"And who's going to do what?"

"Well..." Tobias sighs "its really up to you. I have the computer skills and you're more inconspicuous than I am, but I'm afraid of heights and a better shot. Its your call, I don't mind."

I nodded, "I'll create the diversion" I decided.

He frowned "you don't have to I don't mind..."

"No," I decided firmly. You're right you have the computer skills, it'll be better this way"

He smiled, sympathetically, folding me into his arms. I laid my head against his chest a she brushed his hand over my hair. 

"How are we going to get erudite clothes?" I asked.

"I was hoping Christina might have the answer to that" he grinned. I frowned, while I was sure Christina could be trusted, I was wary of bringing others into this plan. Though, I suppose I could convince her it was for 'fashion' reasons, or if worst comes to worst I could say it was for the...bedroom. I'd overheard a few conversations in my time in dauntless about, let's just say very un abnegation things, concerning the different factions. I wanted nothing to do with it, but if it kept Christina safe then I'd tell her anything. 

I hadn't said anything in response to his comment and he began to kiss my neck, his lips caressing the soft skin under my ear. I let out a small gasp at the touch and I could feel the slight smirk that graced his face against my skin. At this I let out a breathy laugh as he moved his lips up to mine and pushed me down onto the bed.

————————

"Is this ok?" He asked, eyebrows furrowed in concern as he hovered above me.

I nodded frantically, my mind and vision blurred by want and lust. 

"Tris" he said, forcing me to look at him in the face, "we don't have to, theres no pressure" 

"But I want to..." I muttered, my eyes drifting down to his lips. He still didn't look convinced.

"But the...and you...what happened" he fumbled for his words.

"I know. But you're you, and they're them. If I didn't want this I'd tell you" I told him, looking into his eyes and bringing his lips down to mine.


	29. After all

Tobias woke early that morning but stayed in bed for my sake. He said I needed rest before stage 3. I muttered an agreement and drifted back off into an easy slumber. I awoke again to find him shaking me slightly, his lips tangled in my hair and our legs intertwined.

"Hey, sleepyhead, it's time to get up" he whispered

I made a sound of displeasure and tried to pull the duvet over my head, he stopped me and hauled it off my figure.

"Hey!" I groaned sitting up.

He grinned at me raising his eyebrows, chucking the duvet back onto the bed and sauntering off to the bathroom. I flopped back onto the mattress, images of last night filled my head. I smiled at the memory and dragged myself from the bed. I'd long since moved all of my things into Tobias' apartment so I went to my draw and brought out some leggings and a soft shirt, as well as a light jumper. The outfit, while comfy, was not very stylish, and I was sure Christina wouldn't approve, maybe that was part of the reason I chose it. It was, however, easy to move in, which was all I needed for the coming assesment.

After trailing to breakfast we made our way up to the hall containing several hundred dauntless and an initiate does his test. Large screens around the room displayed his heart rate and breathing rate for all to see. There was nothing else, thank god, this wasn't candor after all, and none of us had the desire to show our worst fears with several hundred strangers. They were, once again, going from lowest ranked to highest ranked, dauntless borns first, then transfers. I would be last. 

After this initiate they would start the transfers assessments, it would still be a while until I could enter my fear landscape. I scanned the room, searching for Tobias. He was lurking in a corner, head resting against the doorframe of the emergency exit, his arms crossed over his chest. His eyes drifted over the crowd, and I wondered if he was searching for me too. 

I strode over to him, and as he saw me a smile grew on his face. I came to stand next to him, we exchanged a few words, casually. We watched them enter and exit their assessments, Tobias watching the time on his watch. As we drew close to my turn I felt his pinky finger link with mine. It was as much physical contact as he could give, given the circumstances. I shut my eyes, sighing. Hopefully in 6 hours, all being well, this would all be over. I wouldn't have to hide my relationship and I could choose a job and get on with my life.

My name rung out through the auditorium. 

'Tris Prior"

I felt nothing as it echoed off of the walls and the dauntless chanted my name. Perhaps I should have. Or maybe I should have felt bad for not feeling anything, for not feeling something for that name. The name of my family, of my past. My 'prior' life. I laughed dryly to myself, letting a hoarse chuckle emerge from my throat, no one could hear it over the crowd. Just as the door shut behind me I looked to Tobias and he smiled reassuringly. He knew I could do it. That was enough. Maybe this shouldn't be about my life before. Perhaps it should be about my life now, my future life. Maybe thats what everyone would have wanted for me.

—————

The majority of my landscape hadn't changed. First was the birds, easy. They came and i hardly even felt any fear. They were just birds, not even real ones at that. They held next to nothing over me. Then there was being burnt at the stake, though this time Jonah had joined Peter. They taunted me, but about more than last time. They made fun of my body, my appearance, they said I was child like, too small, ugly, stiff. It hurt, in a way, but their insults felt hollow, their voices laced with some unidentifiable emotion. Anger? Yes, maybe, but at more than just me. I didn't focus on it, I summoned rain and ended up in the sea, waves churning around me, throwing me against boulders that lay just beneath the waters surface. The swell of the waves matched the anxiety in my stomach as I plunged beneath them, purposefully. I swam down towards the boulders below the water. The splash of sky and sea colliding togther no longer attacked my ears. It was peaceful, but just as I was beginning to admire the beauty of the underwater world I was launched into another fear.

It was dark. I lay in a dimly lit hallway. The long lights above me sputtered and whirred, they reminded me of the ones in the girls bathroom at school. Never quite light enough to see what was really going on, while short ding everything in a piercing white/green glow. Unluckily it wasn't the lights I was afraid of. It was the men casting steadily larger shadows over them. They came up to me. I couldn't move. Their faces were covered and I saw one of them undo his trousers. It was quick. I lay there and shut my eyes trying to control my breathing. Just as soon as they'd arrived they were gone. They left me cold and alone on the floor. Used and unwanted. Tears led cold tracks down my cheeks. It wasn't the action I feared. It was the feeling afterwards. Knowing the intimate thing they had taken from you and knowing that there was nothing you could have done to stop it. Knowing that a part of you left when they let you lay on the ground cold and screaming and surrounded by people but you had never felt more alone. That part of you would never come back. You would never be whole again. As I came to this realisation I was lurched up. 

I stood in abnegation. In my home, in my old home. Light streamed in through the windows and a fire burned slightly in the hearth. It was sunset and the room was glowing, pools of amber and gold shone against the grey of the furnishing and my father stood at the stove, stirring a pot. My mother sat in the wooden chair closest to the fire, she was always cold. Her feet used to turn purple sometimes, if she sat in one position too long, she blamed it on circulation. She was knitting. What, I couldn't tell, a jumper perhaps, something for the faction-less no doubt. They weren't talking, they sat in silence. A pang of nostalgia ran through me and it reminded me of the days when I was small. I would sit on the sofa swinging my legs, bored and full of energy. I didn't appreciate the quiet harmony of my household. I didn't realise how lucky I was, just to have them there. I blinked, and suddenly it was gone. My parents lay side by side. Hands held by one another. Blood pooled onto the floor. Thick and red and hot. I had taken that from them. The happy night, silent, in abnegation. I had stolen their lives. I had stolen everything they had worked for, chosen for themselves. I shut my eyes.

I now stood in a room. It was dark and in front of me stood christina and Uriah and Tobias. They all held guns, though at first it didn't quite register to me as a concern. It was only when they raised them to their foreheads and clicked off the safety that I began to panic. Christina spoke first.

"You have made my life unbearable. You killed my boyfriend, my best friend and then lied to me about it. Then expected me to forgive you. Now I have to parade around after you and pretend that I don't resent you every minute of every day. When you're laughing and talking and happy with Four. That could have been us, Will and I. You took that from me. You took everything I had left to live for. Sometimes i wonder if you even care. How ong did it take you to get over his death? An hour? A minute? Or was the decision to shoot a bullet through his scull so easy for you that it needed no recovery. I hope you know you killed more than just him that day. I died too. Good bye Tris"

The shot rang through the room. I stood in the same position, paralysed. All I could do is scream. Blood leaked from the wound in her head, spreading over the floor. The black floor only darkened the blood. I couldn't tell where the floor began and the blood ended. Everything oozed into a mass of bloody suicide. I collapsed into the mess my hands hitting the pool as it congealed and clotted ont he floor. Clots stuck to my hands and knees, the rest drenching my black clothes in a layer of wet, damp thickness. Then came Uriah.

"You could have saved her. I know you could. But you chose someone else over her. She was your friend! She trusted you, and you knew what she meant to me. And so soon after will. What did you want, for two of your friends to be alone? Did you want us to suffer, was this some kind of sick revenge? Some stiff life lesson on being grateful for what you have huh? Well it worked. I'm grateful for what I had. Now there is nothing left" he spat at my feet before turning the gun to his temple and firing. 

He landed with a thud beside christina. More blood joined the pool, but I was numb to it now. I could feel the warm current of his blood through the puddle and I shivered. I grabbed his face, pressing my hand to his wound, I knew it was no use. I knew I couldn't save him. 

"Tris" I shook my head, I couldn't hear what he had to say, "Tris look at me" his voice was monotone, controlled, nothing like the voice I loved.

"I think you know what I have to say. So theres no point in saying it" he raised the gun and I shook my head screaming tears running down my cheeks casting 3rd degree burns into my cheeks.

"No! No! Please me. Kill me. Please" my voice had grown hoarse, it cracked from emotion, the shouts and screams echoing off the walls in an eternal loop of agony.

He laughed and shook his head. 

"Don't you understand. You deserve to suffer. Like we suffered. You don't deserve death. You deserve to live with what you have done. You deserve to die miserable and alone, ill and injured knowing that everyone who ever loved you was forced away becuase you are so far beneath us." 

I didn't flinch as the bullet hammered through his skull. I kept to my feet, and caught his body as it fell. I cradled it in my arms, crying and sobbing. Blood oozed from the wound but I didn't care, I rested his head against my chest, touching his cheeks and hair, begging him to wake up. My vision was clouded with tears. I didn't notice the scenery around my change, only the still warm, yet lifeless body resting in my arms. 

I was back in the assesment room. There was banging on the doors, but all I could do was hold the body tighter too me. I sobbed hysterically rocking back and forth against the cold concrete. He was gone. He was gone. He was gone. A terrifying anxiety shot through me. I was never going to see him again, or hear his voice, my last memory of him is of the words he left me with, festering in my already rotten brain.

"Tobias no" I whispered against his cheek, as I kissed it. 

My head turned as the door opened, and I saw Tobias burst through, his breathing shallow and fast. He stared at me incredulously. I looked back down at my arms, and the bloody figure began to fade. I shook it, trying to bring it back to reality. 

"No, no" I cried, but he, it, was gone. Tobias tentatively stepped towards me. And wrapped his arms aorund my blood soaked figure.


	30. Somethings were never meant to be

Tobias ushered me from the room. His hand stayed steady on the small of my back, his other one clearing a path for us to get through. Most of the dauntless hadn't noticed. They were still crowded around, holding dark bottles of beer and spirits, laughing and jostling each other. Those who had been watching the screens displaying my vitals looked confused but quickly turned back to their friends, thinking nothing more of it. I had got over my immediate shock, but I was still trembling, shaking over my last fear. The last thing I saw, before leaving the room was the leaders, huddled togther, talking in hushed tones, staring right at me. 

We soon made it to Tobias' apartment, the halls almost empty due to the final stage celebrations. He sat me down on the bed and brought me a glass of water. I held it gingerly.

"What happened?" He asked, quietly, kneeling next to me.

"I don't know. I was in the fear and then I wasnt. But you were still next to me. I could still feel you, you were real. You were dead and then you were standing in the door way like nothing happened" I said, taking his face in my hands. I examined his temples, searching for the wound, a scratch, anything that could possibly take him from me. He brought them away from his face, covering them with his own large hands. "They were talking about me, the leaders weren't they"

He shook his head. "Its going to be fine ok? Don't worry, we can fix this"

I sighed. Tears threatening to spill down my face. 

"We can't blame this on a water leak in the training room Tobias. I did something. In front of the whole faction" I tried to laugh but it got stuck in my throat., emerging as something akin to a groan. 

"No we can...we can tell them something. We'll fix this"

I shook my head. 

"We can't fix this. I have to...I have to"

"No!" He said. Tears overflowing from his eyes. He stared up at me and I took his face in my hands. "You can't, you can't leave" his voice cracked as he said those words, emotion seeping into every syllable.

I smiled, tears now pouring down my own face. "I have to. They're going to take the tape of me and take it to Erudite and one day soon they'll come along and take me away. I can't hide it Tobias and everyone else would be in danger. You and Chris and Uriah and..." I trialed off. I didn't want to say it.

"I won't let them. I wont let them hurt you. You're going to be fine, I'll protect you" he stared at me imploringly. I turned my head, not wanting to stare into his eyes for a second longer. They were full of pain and abandonment. I didn't want to leave him, God I didn't want to leave. It didn't seem like I had much choice.

"I want to believe that" I whispered, finally looking back at him "but, I think we both know thats not true"

I wanted to stare into his eyes and agree. Lie back on the mattress and make love. Believe that he could save me. Believe that he was some knight sent to rescue me. I didn't have that luxury. It was just me now. I couldn't depend on him forever, one day I'd be alone, if only for a minute and they'd come, and everything we'd built would be gone in a second. 

He shook his head "I need you. I need you Tris. You can't leave. You can't do this to me!" 

I leant my forehead against his. I wanted to collapse. Crumple into his arms and forget that anything else existed, I wanted to be small and weak and abnegation again. But I hadn't been that girl in a long time. Even when I drew lines on my arms with blades and left myself for dead she wasn't gone. I was still fighting. If I couldn't fight for me anymore then at least I could fight for him. 

"I...its not...ill be back. It won't be for forever just for a while. You can do it I know you can. You're so strong and so brave and you can do anything. I need you to be strong for me okay? You said you'd protect me, that's how you'll do it. Be strong like I know you are" I whispered into his ear. He shook his head again, over and over until it fell into my lap and his once silent tears turned into heart wrenching sobs, echoing through the otherwise empty apartment. 

After a while he quietened.

"I'll come with you" he murmured his voice hoarse and croaky, an octave lower than usual. I shut my eyes, my teeth clenching my top lip.

"No Tobias. You - you're so - you" he looked up at me confused. A small chuckle left my lips. "You enter a room and everyone knows you're there. You talk and people listen. You were created to be noticed, to be admired, to be loved. I was made to be invisible. I was made not to be known. I'm supposed to live in dark and the background. Everyone would know who you are. I can disappear and no one would even notice" 

He shook his head adamantly yet again, "I'd notice" 

"Tobias..."

"No! You're strong and brave and everything I ever pretended to be. For me everything has always been an act. Because there was never anything to be brave about, to be brave for. But you, you just were and that was so beautiful to me. But you're going to be gone and no one can ever be that beautiful again"

His words were muffled by my trousers, but I understood them all the same. I leaned over him, kissing the top of his head, burying my face in his hair. I inhaled his scent, mint and sweat and wind. Fresh. Tobias. I tried to remember. In case I never got to smell it again. even if I did return. Eventually from wherever I was going, there was no guarantee I'd be his, to look at, to love, to kiss...to smell again. We stayed like that for a while, maybe minutes, maybe an hour, I wasn't sure. Eventually I shook him slightly and stood up. I offered him my hand, he grudgingly took it. He helped me pack a bag, wordlessly handing me supplies. Eventually I was ready. I was wearing one of his hoodies, surrounded by his smell. At his insistence I'd worn several layers, my feet wrapped up in socks and thick boots. Ones I'd bought last initiation that he'd kept all this time. Just before we exited the apartment I took his hand. I slipped of the gold bracelet and tied it around his wrist. He understood. I didn't have to say anything. 

We walked slowly through the halls, hand in hand. Eventually we made it to the train platform. 

The night was clear. The clouds were turning blue, the sky set aflame by the sun setting over the city. I could hear the train in the distance but couldn't see it yet. I turned to Tobias and threw my arms around him, breathing heavily. I didn't want to go. I didn't want to leave him, not now. Just when it felt like life had finally begun again. He kissed the top of my head and I felt droplets of water hit my parting. 

"Come on" he whispered into my hair, as the train drew near. I nodded, releasing him. He brought his lips down to mine for one last chaste kiss. We both ran alongside the train and he helped me into the carriage. He ran alongside me, his hand still in mine. He let go just as the platform ended. I sat back in to the carriage, turning back at the last second. He stood, at the end of the platformm watching maybe waiting. I wasn't sure what for, for me to run back t him, returning. There was a set sort of pain in his face. Resigned and careful, as if he'd been hurt just one too many times. 

"I love you! I love you! I love you!" I shouted. I'll never know if he heard those words, or if they were simply lost to the wind and the clash of stick on stone below me.


End file.
